Halloween, you kill me.

Ok so I haven't posted since Friday, Saturday wasn't to exciting but Saturday night was pretty legit. I had some time with my best friend. We went to her friends Halloween party, I actually had fun for not knowing anybody there. We ran it on beer pong, I met this adorable guy. His name is Sean, and soooooo freakin yummy. Then we went to one of my old friends going away party, it was good to chill with some old friends. I finally saw Conner, I was really starting to believe he died or something but him and Dani sure were there. Nothing was said so it was a pretty good night staying out of trouble but causing some trouble.

 I'm really excited this Sunday me, Kaybee(bff) are gonna go on a double date with Sean and his best friend. I'm pretty stoked, none the less my birthdays a week from today.

I still have been oovoo'ing with Sebo pretty much every night if not that every other night. But he still kinda confuses me, we were definately sexually flirting tonight but I kinda brought it to a stop with the whole if you were still mine, I think it got kinda awkward IMing then lol. Its okay, I'm sure will oovoo tomorrow.

I went with the family and tricked or treated, I actually didn't trick or treat I just went with my brother and sister with all there yummy candy's. I know I'm about to start my period and I always crave salt, and soda before I start. I've decided to cure my salty craving, by eating salt....just plain salt, say no to the chocolate and drink diet sodas. I'm gonna try to do a liquid diet all week. So I look good next to my hot bff on our date next weekend, that and with a baby shower being thrown at my house with foods I know I'm gonna end up eating and purging, and drinking this weekend Ill endure enough calories for a week. I'm excited for all the new things to do but this week I'll have to be strict to make up on my birthday drinking spree lol. I'm really not gonna drink much but if I have nothing in my stomach I should get tipsy fast.

I'll have a pretty boring day tomorrow but I'm exhausted so I'm headed off to bed.

Happy friday night in!

So its Halloween weekend, and unlike the rest of my friends who are partying I'm staying at home watching scary movies, that 70's show and talking to Sebo. Whatta night huh? I'm pretty beat so I didn't want to go out tonight(plus I wanted to talk to Sebo) but I helped at my church's daycare today and babysit a bunch of six, seven, and eight year old. It actually wasn't that bad I had fun for a free 10 hours shift. Conner's nephews go to that daycare and the older one is so cute, I use to play uno with him whenever we would chill at his moms house, he probly doesn't remember me he was young but now he's eight. Conner was eight when we first met and his nephew is a spitting image of him, it kinda took me into a reminisce mode all day. Anyways it was a nice healthy day outta the house and I think that's what I needed.

So my parents went out and I'm home babysitting some more lol, I dont really mind I adore my little brother and sister and I really can't wait to have children on my own. There asleep and I tryed to get into the Halloween spirit by watching friday the 13th, EPIC fail lol. I got scared with all the lights of and the house this quite. I smoked a little bit, that really helped me enlighten the mood of my depression fase. But now I'm relaxing watching that 70's show, that and being able to talk to Sebo. We talked last night briefly and then tonight he decides to put me in a chat with 2 of his friends. I looked like *^@^#(&@ but he said I couldn't tell him what looks good or not. Their all suppose to come home for christmas and he wants me to come hang out with him, I'm cautioned but I really wanna see him. I can see me having a family with this guy and being so happy, the thing I'm cautioned by is his gf. I dont really know whats going on there we've never talked about it but I wanna know is his intentions now, so I can know what to expect. I wont let him cheat on his gf with me but if something happened to them I would def date him again.

I haven't checked my weight but my throat has been agitated from purging lately, only at night usually. But here comes the weekend so it might get worse. I want to make sure that when Sebo comes down I look smokin effin hot. I want him to want me and see what he gave up. I already know he thinks about me now and then but I want him to want me all the time.

I want some pudding right now, I might try to make some yogurt and fruit. And smoke a cigarette, have a lovely night. Oh and this is a  status that I just love that I thought I'd share.

"This is for the girls who don’t always win. The girls who stay up all night listening to music that inspires them. The girls that laugh, smile, cry and think all on a daily basis. The girls who love, learn and regret. The girls who may never have it easy. The girls who learn the hard way to live and tell about it. The real girls."

Depressed.

I'm not in a very good mood today, stupid hormones. Nothing seems to be working out for me. I slept till 2 today, I couldn't believe it. It's not like I needed the sleep I seem to be doing nothing but sleeping lately. I feel like I'm stuck today. I'm not going anywhere in life. I feel blah, depressed...I wanna get out of this slump. I feel like I haven't truly been happy in over a year and a half. I've been talking to my ex every now and then the past couple weeks and I truly cant stop thinking about him. I miss him so much and I was to young and naive to real how much I cared about him back and the day. I was in love with Conner still, when I was dating Sebo. Sebo was the greatest guy, he could treat me like a princess but still get on me like I needed. I made Sebo break up with me because I wanted Conner back and I thought we were gonna get back together. SURPRISE that didn't happen but I did cheat on Sebo with Conner which wasn't right. I still remember the day I made him break up with me, I pushed him and pushed him and somewhat of me regrets it alot because we'd probly still be together, but somewhat of me is glad because now that I'm older and a little wiser I realized how good of a guy Sebo is and that if he gave me another chance(that's all in my head he probly wont) I wouldn't take it for granted again. He now has a new gf and they've been together for a while but he calls or texts me ever so often and tells me that he misses me or to chat like he kinda whats rekindle something, but I highly doubt that. Once he sets his mind on something its done, nothing is getting in his way. Kind of like when we first met, he tried and tried until he got me. And I liked that, I liked that he actually tried for me. Not many guys are like that and I realize that now. It was very difficult being with Sebo, it was a long distant relationship at points and that really bugged me. He goes to West Point(An army school in New York) which is quite a way from my home, so I only really got to see him every couple months once a month if I was lucky, but we had a passion that I cant seem to find with alot of guys now. And even though those months felt like years, those couple days that seemed like hours were so worth it. I guess its true that sometimes you have to wait for the one you love. I've realize now that I did love Sebo, my head was just stuck up an assholes ass to realize it.

Another thing that is driving me absolutely insane...I cant check my weight, our scale ran outta batteries and my mom hasn't gotten new ones for it, I know I've gained a couple pounds I think I'm around 135 still but its driving me crazy not knowing how much I weigh. I've been lazy lately but I'm gotta help my little brothers team and run tonight so that should get me for today's workout. Hopefully.

Wedding bells send them my way.

Well, todays's been a very longgggg day, but I really enjoyed it. It was my cousin's wedding day. I was the maid of honor and I was very happy for her. I actually never thought she would get married but Im proud of her and her new family and I wish her the best. The wedding made me eat way to much so I'll be working out alot to catch up on all the weight I've probly gained but it really was perfect. It was on a lake and the weather was perfect. She looked beautiful. It made me really enjoy what love is, and made me want it even more. I cant wait for the day I get married. Im gonna start taking peoples advice, and stop going after guys that Im just attracted to and go after guys who are gonna treat me right. I usually go for the dickhead personality(I blame my father and brother) but Im gonna give guys who actually try for me a chance. Who knows. I dont think I'll fall in love with them but at least I can say I gave it a chance right? I dont know I guess this wedding just made me realize love comes in all different ways and forms, weather its from a family member, a friend, or lover. Those are the people who matter in your life and Im gonna start appreciating those people in my life. Those are the people who have helped me threw the hard times and I promise to help them threw theirs. I will wait for the guy that loves me and treats me good, and is romantic, and cherish's me. No more selling myself short. I willl owe myself more, and starting treating myself better maybe guys will respect me more if I do that. Besides that Im gonna enjoy the rest of my beer take my butt to sleep and start my active dieting again. Goodnight loves.

Cant sleep.

Sorry I didn't write last night, my friend Chelsey spent the night and we had the best girl time. I love Chelsey for many reasons, she's real, she's genuine, and we've been friends with each other for a while. We go threw the same situations alot of the time.

Back in high, my ex and the boy she was with were best friends, so we hung out alot and they were alot alike so we would usually deal with the same bullshit. But last night we seriously did nothing but talk about boys for HOURS and I loved every minute of it. We talked about our past loves, we talked about our new boys, we talked about our feelings. LITERALLY EVERYTHING in life, its like our own therapy sessions lol. We fit each other so well. She always reminds me of my past and how much I miss it, sometimes I hate it, but I love it so much at the same time because she knows more than anyone how I felt and still to this day feel about Conner. He was my first love and always will hold that memory in my heart. I posted a status about him the other day. "I know they say that first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest." I love it because it's so true. That was my sweetest love, sweetest memories but damn did the after math hurt like hell. I was severely depressed for a long time after we officially broke up. To the point where I would look at a picture or hear about him and his girlfriend and get to sick to my stomach, at first I literally would throw up because I was demolished by it but it got better as time went on.

I know that I'm not in love with him anymore I can look at pictures of them and be fine, and I talk to his girlfriend without wanting to bash her head in. I talked to my mom about it for a while the other day and I realized telling her some of that stuff that I really was out of love with him. I can look at pictures of him and pick out flaws where as before I thought he was flawless, I can look the pictures of his girlfriend and him and be happy for him that he's happy.

My one wish is that in the future in a couple years that we have a nice reminiscence night, experience our love again. Even if its for one night I'll be happy with it, just a night to talk about all the good times. Talk about how young and naive we were. How in love we were, and how we killed each other when it comes to relationships now. I'm glad I experienced all the heart break on him, he made me realize how guys really are, how hurtful they really can be, how manipulated they are. He prepared me for future loves and he was worth all the tears. I'm glad I can look back on it now and still some what smile, I know we can't be friends once we do we fall (or I do) back into the spell he cast on me and want him again. It use be torture a year ago we had all the same friends, he lives 2 miles down the road so its hard not to bump into him, but I haven't seen him in quite some time.

It still upsets me but its fine, I want him to see me at my best, I want to wait till I get my life on track so he can smile at me and say he's proud of what I've done with my life. So I will wait, I know we will run into each other eventually the only problem is I don't know if he'll want to be around me. We ended on a VERY BAD NOTE. He wouldn't even be in the same room with me whenever we were around each other. I regret alot of things I did to him but I also regret alot of things I let him did to me. I see it as a lesson learned.

Like the lesson I learned last night, I dealt with the bullshit with him because I loved him, I'm not gonna deal with the bullshit from some guy who doesn't act like he wants to even try with me half the time. Ry again is ignoring me, the same exact shit before, went from short to nothing.....so I delete his number. I'm not, I repeat not texting him anymore. I will play off his little "singlelife" statuses and be on to the next one. I'm too good to deal with that kinda bullshit already.

I took my test again tonight for this job, and I PASSED IT. I got a 1% error rate, I was so proud of myself. I'm pretty confident that I got the job but I don't wanna jinx it, this will help me out so much in moving my life forward. Weighed myself this morning I was 134.4 I think I did pretty well on eating but didn't get a chance to work out. I'm kind of exciting to be in my cousin wedding this weekend, I'm the maid of honor but I'm not really glad that theres gonna be tons of food, and its not like I cant eat at a rehearsal dinner. I'lll have to get rid of it, at least at the wedding I can pretend to be busy or act like I've already ate. I think I've killed of some of my insomnia now, imma try to get some sleep before my busy day tomorrow. Oh and I wanted to say that the little baseball team I help coach did wonderful, they one their first game. I'm so proud of them and my little brother.

134

134 WOOHOOO, So happy. My tummy's growling so Im gonna make some eggs. Those are good to eat. Im so hungry and I have no energy so I might not run I really want to but I feel like with how hot it is with this storm coming threw I'd pass out so I'm just gonna do some P90X so if I do its at least in my house.

Yay

Morning: I was down this morning do to Ry but thank god ana has my back I weighed myself and I lost 5 pounds. I'm pretty happy. I thought I would have gained a pound yesterday I was around 137 but today I woke up I was 135.8. I went for a 2 mile run.

I feel really good right now because of the weight I lost, so I fixed my hair, and grabbed my camera. The pictures I think came out amazing. Hopefully Ry will comment on them and tell me how cute I look. :)


Later today: Well no difference, Ry didn't bother, took my test for the second time for this job, still failed. I had to get less than a 3% error rate, the lowest I could get was 5% so there again letting me try again thank god. I just found out tonight that I have until March to find a place to live so I'm kinda stressing about that.

Not only that but my mom went grocery shopping today. GREAT. And of course it's all things I love. Good thing she got me some healthier choices but still its gonna test my will power. I think Ill be good today everyone commented how good I look on fb today so I'm glad people are noticing a difference. That's whats gonna keep me going. Ry hasn't really talked to me today. Figures but I was talking to my mom today we've been having some serious talks about him and I'm gonna set it straight and see what he wants. I use to be the girl that could share her man thanks to my ex I was pretty much use to it but now I want someone I can call my own. I want him to be mine and only mine and if he doesn't want a relationship Ill figure out my next step.

I didn't do to bad on my eating I had a pretty good smoothie this morning a couple cups of tea and when I got home I couldn't resist the fruity pebbles my mom had got but I got rid of it so I'm hoping my weight doesn't fluctuate. I'm good to bed, goodnight loveys.


Intake:
Fruit Smoothie: 250
Tea: around 30

Inner child crush please stay.

Well today was kind of a boring day. Didnt really do anything at all honestly. I got to hang out with Ry tonight. I swear I light up whenever Im around him. Im so happy when Im with him like I forget everything, all the worries and stress. And I just want to get to know him more, and more, I want to know his story, his pains, his stuggles, and his glory days and stressful days. I want to know everything about him.

 I felt really bad tonight. He got into a really bad arugement with his mom. At first I thought it was because I was there but it was something to do with his brother. I dont really like the way his family treats him. I know that they werent really there for him growing up, but his mom seems really mean to him for some reason and like tonight his dad was talking about kicking his ass, he's said that he's already faught his dad a couple times. But I totally dont agree with that. His parents should not be like that at all and I feel really bad that he has to go threw that. I dont understand, its like his parents hate him. I just wanted to hold him tight like it would block the pain away, even though he's strong mentally and physically. I couldnt bare the fact that his parents would do and say some of those things. I realized that I do have feelings for this kid cause I only get protective like that with people I REALLY like. Only other guy I've felt like that I should always protect is my first love Conner. I feel like I could really fall for him. And honestly with my first love I was always scared because he always screwed around on me but this guy I think is totally different, and Im pretty sure I would trust him.One thing I didnt like tonight, he went to the bathroom and his phone went off. I didnt snoop or go threw it(im not that kinda girl) but I did see that I was from another girl asking if he was busy. I didnt say anything but it kinda bugged me. I figured he was talking to another girl, we're not together so I cant get mad. Im pretty sure that he's not fucking anyone else though. Thats what Im praying for at least.

 I love that he has a past but is making a better of himself, I love that he has goals and amibition, I love his smile and his blue eyes. I love his story, and Im pretty sure I want to be in the next chapters. Im hoping he likes me as much as I like him. I dont wanna get my feelings down. I love this high I get whenever Im around him. Gah Im such in lala land, seriously lol.

But I weighed myself today. NOT good, I gained a pound. But tomorrow its back on track, 2 workouts in during the day and feeling the hunger inside me. Since I ate alot and have some energy I think Im gonna just got on a liquid diet. Im about to go to sleep now but Im waiting for Ry to call me so I know he got to his grandparents safe. Im actually worried about this kid and that never happens to me.

FATTY ASS.

I don't want to write much, besides I feel FAT. I did good this morning, went to my little brother and sisters pumpkin patch thing and it was filled with fattening sweets. I said no to all of them even the hot dog I was craving, and the caramel apple that I was REALLY wanting. I went home and had some fat free yogurt which was about 110 calories. I hadn't really worked out today besides this morning helping catch balls for the little boys baseball team I help coach, and playing on the play ground with them for a little while. But around 2 I went to a birthday party with my family and again I INDULGED. I ate alot of really good food. Then threw it right back up. Drank to much soda, passed on the cake, we were there for a long time. I just got home 20 minutes ago and its 12 now. I ate a second time got rid of that. But I'm not feeling that hunger or accomplishment of eating good. Tomorrows a new start again I hate the weekends cause I always do this. I'm good all week and whenever I do something it includes foods. I'm VERY scared to look at the scale tomorrow. I weighed myself this morning I'm about the same but I'm not completing my goal for a pound everyday. I'm gonna try harder tomorrow. Oh and me and Ry are good again. We are suppose to hang out in the morning so I'm happy about that. It seems to be going better with him so I'm hoping for the best. I really like him. And that kinda scares me because I still have the voice in the back of my head of watch out he's playing you. But I think that about all boys.

Myself=Dissappointment

So I just got back from my interview, it went HORRIBLE. It wasn't even really an interview. I basically just took a test for 3 hours. I had to take it, and take it, and take it. But I could never pass it. It's a typing test. Which I thought would be pretty easy since I can type on my laptop easily without looking but this is a total different story I'm timed and I cant make more than a 3% of errors. Its alot harder than it sounds. I felt so terrible that I couldn't pass it. I feel like a failure. The lady told me it was a hard test and that I can take it again Monday, so I'm still glad that the job is still offered to me, but the fact that I couldn't do it is what's killing me. Another thing that has me down today is my eating. I did pretty good today. I limited my eating but after feeling like such a failure from the test I indulged. My mom took me to Arby's before we got home and I ate a chicken cordon blu and french fries and a pepsi. I know that's not in my eating habits right now at alll. I thought it would help me a little since I'm still having boy issues and bombing my test but it only made me feel worse so I had to get rid of it again. I'm glad I'm controlling my purging a little more but I want to be skinny enough to actually feel skinny and not have to worry about purging or what I'm actually eating. I'lll never be able to eat fully whatever I want but I think once I get to the size that I want with working out everyday I should be able to indulge and eat regularly more often without having to worry about it. The fact that I had NO time to work out today bothered me too, I went to my little brother and sisters daycare to help out, they just started this week and I needed to get some community service hours but I had to fill out this application and it only made me disagree with church even more. It's a baptist church, my family is not really the "church goers" so I rarely go to church and when I do it's not a baptist. Alot of things I didn't agree with, and I felt like I was filling out an app for people to judge me, asking me if I help out there that I don't engage in premarital sex which isn't a bad thing at all but some of the other things about homosexuals and other stuff I hated but anyways the kids and the people who worked there were pretty cool(they were more my age) And it was actually nice meeting new people.

My intake today
Tuna salad:
Relish: O cal
Lettuce:10 cal
Mayo:45 cal
Balsamic dress:8 cal
Mustard:30 cal
Tuna:120
Low fat yogurt:105 cal
and then tea about 10 to 15 cal.
But I've had a pepsi and I've been sipping on the so Ill figure that out in a minute I wont count the french fries or chicken sandwich since I got ride of it all. I don't know if it counts or not?

Total without the fast food: 333calories but I didn't burn any so I'm hoping I don't gain weight, I'm gonna go take some pictures and see if it gets my boy's attention. I'm hoping so he was talking to me this morning a little but he deleted me off fb so I'm still really confused by him. If not I'm on to find me another one. I surely hope I can find my soulmate soon. I'm going crazy without him and these lame ass players.

SO MF HAPPY.

My emotions are so explosive right now. I'm still not happy with Ry, I text him today and he finally text me back. His excuse was that he's been working his ass off, which I didn't buy at all. Even if he was it doesn't take but 2 seconds to send me a quick Ill text you later or something, so I called him out on it saying he was ignoring me. Of course he did the whole shock thing "what, I'm not ignoring you" bs, I told him to not lie because it only looks worse on his part, and he had the audacity to call me physco, well not really but he was like "wtf dont be physco I work a real job" yatta yatta. Whatever bro to me thats not an excuse so I simply said ok. But he calls me twice and I didn't know if he butt dialed or meant to I asked him but I haven't gotten a reply so I'm calling it a butt dial since he always does that during work.
n
On to better things, I just found out that I have an interview for a really good job at a place called labcorp. And I'm REALLY excited. They pay really good, and its up in Gainesville Fl, so its very close to home but far away for me to get away from this town. If I get this job I can finally move out of my parents house and be on my own. Make good money and live in a college town full of adorable, fresh, new boys. And I can make a new start. YAY! I'm really praying that I get this job. I would be so happy if I did. I would love life. I'm completely stoked for it.

Another good day, check. I didn't do so well on my eating habits today. I ate threw out the day pretty good. But when it came to dinner I failed. Of course my parents had to make one of my favorite meals spaghetti but I got rid of most of it, besides that I ate and apple and a pickle and ran to  2 miles. I was hoping to get a little bit more of a work out but I got kinda busy today and sidetracked. But I still burned 204 calories minus the apple which I'd say is about 50 calories and the pickle has none so I didn't do to bad. Hopefully my numbers will still be good tomorrow as long as I'm loosing I'm not gonna completely complain.

Now its time for me to figure out what on Earth Im going to wear for tomorrows interveiw and get a good nights sleep. Wish me luck :)

A better day.

Yesterdays intake:
Apple: 47 calories
Small grilled chicken breast: about 120
Salad:
lettuce: 20 calories
cheese: 55 calories
croutons less than 35 but we'll say 35
italian dress.: 165 calories
carrots: less than 35 also
and some tea I tried not to put to much sugar in it I'd say about half a cup to a cup of sugar in a whole pitcher of tea. So I wouldnt say more than 10 calories
total: 487


I ran about 2 miles in the afternoon and 2 miles in the evening. I calculating I burn about 102 a mile, so I burned off 408 calories also did some of the abripper from the p90x so I should have burned off more than that. My weight yesterday morning was 138 and today I woke up and it was about 137.2 so not exactly a pound but for how much I worked out I'll take it.

 I woke up this morning pretty early. I couldnt sleep, first thing I did at 5 oclock this morning was check my boys fb we'll call him "Ry" actually thats my nickname for anyways but I checked it and saw that he posted something this morning at 2. Oh forgot to say yeah, he never text me back yesterday. We were suppose to hang out last night but didnt happen so Im over it. I saw that and was pretty pissed I must say, I was half asleep whenever my family got up around 7. I couldn't sleep, and I felt pretty good so I decided to go for a 2 mile run to start my day off good. I got on fb before I went to run and he posts this "I dont plan shit ,I just go with it,im down for whatever...always seems to work out... Solo at mi casa hmu..." and another couple mintues later "I make them all want it until I find a winner,BC if I just let them all have it then it wouldn't be special for the right girl....thats what makes me special ;)" so Im like OK efff this dude I post something about my morning workout and how I need to get my mind off of filthy dogs and he posts THIS "Im such a fkn cassonava,girls throw us the bait but its all up to if we wana take it.....im not a fish u gotta have more then tht" Ohhh did that piss me off. Im pretty much over it now, I know he talks alot of shit on fb but now its just taking it over board. Im not gonna chase something like that, if he really wants me then he can show me or prove it to me, I never gave into his whole little game, calling me baby, babygirl, beautiful, saying he's not a player and he might be my prince charming and I might be his cinderalla. Seriously I know Im not the only girl he's said that to but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and gave him a chance and when he's not trying so hard to actually impress me and acts himself he's pretty cool but I just got the BEST speech from my cousins, about him. And she's right I did have sex with him to early. I guess that was my problem. I will learn from this mistake. And I will give him another chance but we're going to have a serious talk AND he will NOT get me so easily. I will make him work for me, that is if I decide to give him another chance. Im kinda hungry though, Im gonna tear my fridge apart and see if I can find something "healthy" to eat. Then do some more p90x. Even though Im kinda depressed about him, my feelings for myself and my promise to myself is going grand I kinda feel freshed and new :)

Music always cures the mood.

Well, yesterday was a bust. He never text not even a good morning or goodnight text absolutely NOTHING. So it went from short to nothing. I don't get it. I've talked about it with my best friend she said he's just testing me and that I shouldn't be worried right now. That's what I thought too, I thought I was just over reacting but I'm not sure. I finally broke down and text him today because he gets off @ 10:30 tonight and we had planned to hang out, I'm not sure if he's still sleeping or if he's just busy at work but either one doesn't make sense really. He usually sleeps during the day because he works at night except Wednesday he works during the day and gets off at 10:30 but if he's at work he should be able to still text me back at some point. So I'm thinking he's sleeping because he hasn't wrote anything on fb today. I'm just gonna play it cool, keep my mind off it. I was driving myself crazy earlier and I had a boost of energy so I jogged for 2 mile to get my mind off him and focus on my weight it helped a little. My weight this morning was 138 even so I'm glad I lost a pound. That is my goal right now to loose 1 pound everyday and I will be happy honestly. My intake has been 0 today besides drinking some water, I'm not really starving but I think in a couple minutes I'm going to eat a apple so I have some energy for my second work out this evening. My legs are kinda sore from yesterdays work out and today's :) I love it. I actually forgot how good it feels to work out. SO I've decided to eat health just not too much food and continue working out(if by chance I break down and eat something bad I'll just get rid of it). Before I never ate anything all day and I would never have energy to work out, but as long as I burn off my intake I should be good. I'm actually feeling good about myself today so as long as I can keep this boy out of my head it should be a good day. Well I'm going to continue my good mood and clean my room spotless and fold all of my clothes. Have a good day everyone :)

Damaged.

Okay, so Im not good at this. I havent been keeping up with my blog as you can see, but I plan on changing this. I need to vent right now. I starting talking to this boy, he's absoultely gorgeous...I was very cautioned with him at first but the more I talked to him the more I grew fonder of him, he seemed like a real ginuwine guy....but now I'm thinking I've never been more played. Last night I spent the night at his house and it was amazing it made my feelings for him grow even more. I got along with him so well. I felt like I had been friends with him forever when in all honestly I barely knew him. I knew that he was built and worked out alot so I hestitated to see him because Im so disgusted with how fat I am right now....welll how I've been for a while. But I winged it because he said he really wanted to hang out, so I did. Now Im kind of regreting it entirely. The whole time he was holding and cuddling with me I felt so fat. I hated it but I loved being wrapped up in his arms..It felt easy and comfortable. We ended up having sex. and I have to say it was amazing, and he felt the same way or at least thats what he told me. I feel disgusted with myself for doing it but I wanted to so I did but now I dont know what to do. This morning he kissed my forehead held my hand and told me to text him when I woke up. He took me home pretty early for work so when I woke up around 130 I text him. I figured he was still sleeping which he probly was and he finally text me back around 6 and ever since he's been really short with me and acting none interested so I stopped texting him. But all tonight while he's been at work he's posting things about finding tanner women and the finer things. and I feel like my fatness completely ruined it. I feel like that was the reason he doesnt want me anymore. I dont know if its just my horomones or me just over analyzing shit like I normally do but I feel like he's just completely lost interested within one day. It sucks, I wanna just break down and cry. I already have a little but I've managed to control myself. I hate this feeling, I hate feeling like I've been played when I thought he was so different. I actually liked this guy and thats not something that happens to me often. So its a double whammy for me. THIS REALLY SUCKS! I dont know if I should keep trying or listen to my instints and just let it go but thats not what I want. I actually wanted to date this guy, I thought eventually we would. I dont think I was a complete turn off for him. He seemed really sweet and cool last night like he actually liked me, but I guess thats what players do. Im really just lost right now and I feel so low. I'm deffinately going to start being more focused on my weight. Its not that I dont watch it, its that Im so lazy anymore I never work out. Thats my problem but Im promising myself right now that Im not gonna be like that anymore. Im going to stop being lazy because no guys wants a fat girlfriend and Im positive thats what ruined my chances now. I want to be in a relationship so bad, I've been single for almost a year and a half now and I miss having someone to hold. I miss having someone there but I want someone true. Im sick of being used and played. I wont let this happen again because I wont be fat anymore. I wont I wont I wont. Im done. Im going to salvage whats left of me and try to get some sleep.