Cant sleep.

Sorry I didn't write last night, my friend Chelsey spent the night and we had the best girl time. I love Chelsey for many reasons, she's real, she's genuine, and we've been friends with each other for a while. We go threw the same situations alot of the time.

Back in high, my ex and the boy she was with were best friends, so we hung out alot and they were alot alike so we would usually deal with the same bullshit. But last night we seriously did nothing but talk about boys for HOURS and I loved every minute of it. We talked about our past loves, we talked about our new boys, we talked about our feelings. LITERALLY EVERYTHING in life, its like our own therapy sessions lol. We fit each other so well. She always reminds me of my past and how much I miss it, sometimes I hate it, but I love it so much at the same time because she knows more than anyone how I felt and still to this day feel about Conner. He was my first love and always will hold that memory in my heart. I posted a status about him the other day. "I know they say that first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest." I love it because it's so true. That was my sweetest love, sweetest memories but damn did the after math hurt like hell. I was severely depressed for a long time after we officially broke up. To the point where I would look at a picture or hear about him and his girlfriend and get to sick to my stomach, at first I literally would throw up because I was demolished by it but it got better as time went on.

I know that I'm not in love with him anymore I can look at pictures of them and be fine, and I talk to his girlfriend without wanting to bash her head in. I talked to my mom about it for a while the other day and I realized telling her some of that stuff that I really was out of love with him. I can look at pictures of him and pick out flaws where as before I thought he was flawless, I can look the pictures of his girlfriend and him and be happy for him that he's happy.

My one wish is that in the future in a couple years that we have a nice reminiscence night, experience our love again. Even if its for one night I'll be happy with it, just a night to talk about all the good times. Talk about how young and naive we were. How in love we were, and how we killed each other when it comes to relationships now. I'm glad I experienced all the heart break on him, he made me realize how guys really are, how hurtful they really can be, how manipulated they are. He prepared me for future loves and he was worth all the tears. I'm glad I can look back on it now and still some what smile, I know we can't be friends once we do we fall (or I do) back into the spell he cast on me and want him again. It use be torture a year ago we had all the same friends, he lives 2 miles down the road so its hard not to bump into him, but I haven't seen him in quite some time.

It still upsets me but its fine, I want him to see me at my best, I want to wait till I get my life on track so he can smile at me and say he's proud of what I've done with my life. So I will wait, I know we will run into each other eventually the only problem is I don't know if he'll want to be around me. We ended on a VERY BAD NOTE. He wouldn't even be in the same room with me whenever we were around each other. I regret alot of things I did to him but I also regret alot of things I let him did to me. I see it as a lesson learned.

Like the lesson I learned last night, I dealt with the bullshit with him because I loved him, I'm not gonna deal with the bullshit from some guy who doesn't act like he wants to even try with me half the time. Ry again is ignoring me, the same exact shit before, went from short to nothing.....so I delete his number. I'm not, I repeat not texting him anymore. I will play off his little "singlelife" statuses and be on to the next one. I'm too good to deal with that kinda bullshit already.

I took my test again tonight for this job, and I PASSED IT. I got a 1% error rate, I was so proud of myself. I'm pretty confident that I got the job but I don't wanna jinx it, this will help me out so much in moving my life forward. Weighed myself this morning I was 134.4 I think I did pretty well on eating but didn't get a chance to work out. I'm kind of exciting to be in my cousin wedding this weekend, I'm the maid of honor but I'm not really glad that theres gonna be tons of food, and its not like I cant eat at a rehearsal dinner. I'lll have to get rid of it, at least at the wedding I can pretend to be busy or act like I've already ate. I think I've killed of some of my insomnia now, imma try to get some sleep before my busy day tomorrow. Oh and I wanted to say that the little baseball team I help coach did wonderful, they one their first game. I'm so proud of them and my little brother.