RANT "DRUNKING" MODE

Thanks to my none eating today(welll slightly none eating) I am "slightly" drunk. Couple hours ago I hadn't a drink, hadn't eaten, hadn't DRANK anything. But thanks to my relapsing stomach who has been binging and purging the past couple of days, my "slightly" drunken mind has been missing my ex. I found this quote someone said on tumblr and this has been my exact thought in my stupid ole 5 mile radius town.

"I’m waiting for the phone to ring, but you won’t call. I’m waiting for the messages you used to send, but I won’t receive anything from you at all. I’m waiting to hear your voice in my ear. I’m waiting for your kiss on my lips but you’re no longer near. I miss you tonight. I miss you all the time. I’ll be waiting for the day I can hold you again, but I’ve got a life to live until then."

This is all true to me. I know I'm waiting for something that isn't going to happen. Although I dream and wish every night(till 6 o'clock in the fudgin morning) I can't help but to think my ex is never going to get back with me. Who would want to, I wouldn't want to be with a fat girl. I was taking a hot relaxing bath not to long ago and looking at my legs I realized how BIG they are. One thing I've realized with ana is what everyone; and documentary says. Once ana takes over there no other best friend you can have. I was once alot bigger than this and I thought I looked normal. Now at a pretty normal weight ana says I look fat. My thighs look like floating ship in the tub, my stomach has roll after roll following it.

 My ex is a very small skinny teenage boy. He's been trapped in this body since he was 16 (when we first got together) so I have to "fit" him before I can be with him. To fit him I'd have to be an average 115-110 range. I am no where near this. That's again another 15 pounds to loose.

The past couple of days my mom had been exercising, WHAAATTT? Nah I'm proud of her. She has alot on her shoulders and no matter what weight my mom is at she is beautiful to me.... Unlike her(although I look exactly like her) I don't not look the same. I would never wish ana on my mom she looks gorgeous everyday, where I look like a failure to her everyday. I shall go walking with her tomorrow for some working out/bonding time.

I feel like I'm ranting right now and I am but I feel like you guys would understand more than anyone else. I love every one's blogs. They make me feel like I'm not alone in this world. They make me feel like I'm not the only girl who failed this Christmas, you guys make me feel like every ana out there in this world and I am truly blessed to read all of your blogs everyday. It's my excitement for the day.


I'm done for now, I weight 131 today but after my drinking purge I don't think I'll  wake up to that in the morning. I'm crossing my fingers. Goodnight snicker doodles hope everyone had a good day :)

Again I'm drunk don't judge me lol

The bad always comes with the good

I've had THE BEST weekend, but I guess even with the best you have to except the failure. I aloud myself to cheat a little tryed not to eat that much. My dads family everyone is big drinkers and they all smoke weed. Needless to say they raised some drunks too, all weekend I was wasted with my brother. It honestly was a blast and something I definitely needed, I was getting a little  depressed but being with my brother cheered me up so much. Yesterday my happiness ended, back to reality it was. I never really ate a full meal yesterday. BUT at my grandma's I ate a SHIT load of crackers and cheese. But all day yesterday I felt like shit, my stomach was in knots from A. Eating food for the first time in a week B. Drinking 3 bottles in 2 days with my brother OR C. All of the above.

Last Friday I reached my second goal, I woke up with a total of 124.8 whopping pounds. I was so happy, I reached it I haven't been that small in a longggggg time so all weekend I felt skinny, my tight jeans were fitting ever so easy up my legs and around my waist. My tummy was flat and pretty. Now it's Monday not feeling well still. My stomach feels full still and weighed down. I now don't have that skinny feeling, my pants are tight again, and I feel sick with no flat tummy.

I knew I was going to gain weight, I relieved myself of a happy weekend and I thought I did pretty decent eating wise this weekend(exception of last night) but if I knew I was going to gain THIS much weight I don't know if I still would choose the same course. I weighed 133 something I didn't even want to look past the point. I saw 133 and wanted to cry. I didn't think I'd go over the 130's so now I'm having to once a again start back the fuck over. I want to stay in bed and never come out. I feel like a failure. I'm done I don't even want to write anymore.

126.6

Welp I'm almost there. One point six pounds and I've reached my second  goal. Yay! I have yet to work out today, I've been wasting my day trying to get ahold of my impossible school. I ate a pear and some carrots earlier and I have a major head ache.

Long day.

Today seemed to drag on forever. Guess staying up for 25 hours straight will make everything that much longer. I didn't get to do that intense work out I had planned earlier today. I got done cleaning around 430 I was so tired I could barely keeps my eyes open so I just took a shower and passed out for a good 3 hour nap. Which was perfect because I got to skip dinner. I just weighed myself and I'm at 127.2 I'm so happy my purging didn't make me gain weight, I think my all consuming burning cleaning sessions helped me out alot. I'm only two-point-two pounds away from my second goal. I'm gonna continue this and try to reach 125 by friday. I'm still having pains but now it's on my back. Like a pinched nerve this sucks. Anyway it's midnight and my sleepiness plus hunger pains are kicking in so I'm gonna call it a night.

Confessions of a fuck up.

I seriously don't know what is wrong with my body. I've haven't slept since yesterday at 3, you think I would be tired but no I have energy. I'm pretty wide awake 21 hours later. Again couldn't sleep last night, and it wasn't because of aches or pains. Just couldn't, so again I went for a run and did a few crunches and legs. When I was running I had a really bad sharp pain in my side, I thought I was going to pass out from the lack of food I've had this week. I've been so good, so focused, so determined. I wasn't planning on eating at all today. Since I couldn't fast yesterday I decided today I would. I just royally FUCKED that up. I binged and purged I'm very disappointed in myself. I'M PISSED OFF AT MYSELF. To the point where I want to run till I actually pass the fuck out. The rest of the day I will not sit down. I'm going to scrub my house from ceiling to floor and once my step dad gets home and can watch my brother and sister I'm going for the longest run. Like I said till I pass out.

I've been experiencing some terrible pains lately. I'm pretty sure I got everything out after purging I weighed .2 pounds less actually after I purged. I'm guessing the .2 was from water weight. I've never experienced the pain I was feeling in my ribs as I was purging. I've had the occasional stomach aches and cramps but these pains were so much worse. I could barely breathe. And I don't know why. I've been so much better to my body this week. This is the first time this week that I've purged. Not quite sure. Anyways enough wasting time on this damn computer, gonna clean, do a shit load of crunches, do the cardio workout on p90x and run for miles and miles. I hope everyone is having a better day than what I just made mine out to be.

Dreaming of a dream.

My sleeping habits are horrid, I can't ever seem to sleep like a normal person. I didn't, couldn't fall asleep until 8 o'clock this morning. I laid in bed, legs aching from tiredness for HOURS. Finally when I heard my mom wake up I decided to get up and chat with her for a while, that turned into me doing about an hour of workouts around 7 and crashing when I got home from running. I just got off the scale and it said 128.8 I'm not happy. The first time I got on it, the scale said 126.4 I about shit a brick, I was so estatic but as I began to think how unlikely that would be I stepped onto the scale again and I was right, my dream wasn't coming true today. I weighed 128.8. BUT I'm taking that as a challenge. I haven't eaten today and I don't particularly think I'm going to. I have my pampered chef training in about 2 hours but I thought this is a perfect day to skip dinner with no questions. When I'm there I'll politely refuse the food, and when my mom asks if I'm going to have dinner I'll just respond with I already ate. Maybe a good fasting day again will help loosing a couple more pounds before Christmas. This is going to be my Christmas present to myself, The perfect Body.

I was having some crazy thoughts last night. Thinking about the future and how my life could end up. I pretty much want the whole housewife, country styled family. Where I live we're surrounded by horse farms and woods(although town isn't but 15 minutes away) But everyone knows everyones business and although I'm not particularly happy about that I want to live here when I have my own family. I want to be close to my family here and raising my children in a place that I know and have grown up on. Sounds like the life I want, the life I dream of in all reality. I know with getting fit, and getting my heart back this is all possible. He has the perfect set up for me to have that life. I just have to get him to come back to me, but I don't plan on doing that for another couple years. I want him to go off and do what he needs to do before we ever get serious again. He always said we were going to get married when we got older and I still believe this but with my trust issues and he's his cheating habits it'd be along time before wedding bells come about. We'd have alot to work on but damn my love for that boy will never die. I'll update later tonight and let everyone know how my pampered chef goes.

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Well pampered chef meeting went okay, I would love to have a business like this on my own but I'm not quite sure I could do it at this moment. But when I'm older and have a family it sounds like a perfect second job to have fun with. I really enjoy cooking. Unfortunately I did have a small square slice of the garden veggie pizza that they made. It was so good and I'd rather it be something like that I ate then a regular pizza. I'm always proud of myself for not having any of the desserts they had :)


The real test will be coming up in the next week though. It's so hard not to eat on the holidays. It truly puts a damper on my mood for the holidays. I'm so happy I get to see my older brother and my baby nephew though. I've missed them dearly. I'm hoping I can loose another 3-4 pounds before the weekend starts though so I'll be an even 125. I'm going to try to eat as little as possible during the holidays and hopefully will not gain more than a pound. Veggie Veggie Veggies. I wish my legs looked like hers, I wish my stomach was that flat. I wish I was her.

Is fear a factor for you?

Well today was as boring as any other day, but I was more productive in my working out range which I'm pleased with myself, cleaned a little bit, jogged quite a while and now I just did some ab and legs exercises. Today one thing I realized is I need to start working out more often. When I was health I could run a mile with ease, now I find myself struggling. In cheerleading we stretched everyday so flexibility was my strength now I can barely do any of it. So tomorrow I'm going to make a check list of daily routines that I need to do along with taking my vitamins(I fail at that) I weighed 129.8 today, it seems like my body loves this number that I'm not pleased with. I had a pretty big salad for dinner which I'm kind of worried about(even though I probably shouldn't be) Still always ana's in the back of my head tell me that I shouldn't have ate though. Hopefully that salad won't stunt my weight tomorrow. Hopefully that mile run evened out the calorie score.

So I can't explain my joy of fear factor episode. I love that show, I think because growing up that was an annual show me and my mom always watched. Now that I'm a legal adult I'm going to try to get on the show with my best friend. I think it sounds fun. Although I wont enjoy the eating part I love everything else, I'm a very competitive person and I think I could do most of the stunts they have. First I want to get my life on track, get fit, start college and be successful. I'm sure they wouldn't want me right now. I depressed low life who sits at home all day?  NEXT. But once I get my happy bubbly self back I really think they would choose us. It's worth a try at least right?

Also I've decided instead of buying christmas presents for everyone I'm going to bake fabulous goodie treats. Sounds like a good plan to me, I get to practice my cooking skills and everyone loves sweets(and wayy cheaper). I've got my pamper chef training tomorrow which I'm dreading yet excited about. I get to do something I love but I'll be surrounded by food, I guess this will be the test I'll have to deal with the rest of my life. So lets get to it and get it over with, I can stay strong and do this, I can do thin. I just have to go in with the right mind set.

Summer where have you gone?

I hate when my mom asks to use my computer, I'm always in constant thought about what she's doing on it and wondering if she finds my thinspo what exactly would she do. I know if she found it she would just ask me simply but I'd rather not have to go threw that whole stage of her watching my like a hulk. I've done okay today, I guess for a Sunday. Did pretty good, before dinner I heard my mom munching on some chips, and I couldn't help but finding myself wondering into the kitchen. I only had a few about 100 calories worth and dinner came around and there was rib eye steak, potato's with cheese butter and sour cream, and squash and zucchini. I held off on the potato's had half of the steak and about 6 bits of squash and zucchini. About an hour after dinner I was super hungry so I decided to have the rest of my steak.

Intake:
Steak: 260
Chips: 100
Squash and zucchini: about 18

It's around 11:30 and I'm SO craving to binge right now, I've been tempted all night but have held off. Thought about binging when my parent's go to sleep but I don't want to have to throw it up. I'm holding off so far and I think if I eat anything it will be some celery or an orange. Something light and fruity. I plan on doing my p90x later tonight also. I weighed 130.2 so nothing changed for today.

I've thought alot about getting this job with pamper chief but I'm very hesitant. I love cooking and baking, but I hate the calories food drags along with it. I think I'm going to take it as an extra income and to learn to be more people friendly, and baking skills. Plus I get alot of free things to practice my cooking skills :) I just have to find out something to do with the food when I'm done baking it lol. Because I wouldn't want to be this girl, god she looks so digusting. I'm thankful I at least don't look like this, although my mom took pictures of me and my siblings today and of course the picture she wants I look horrible in, I could even see a faintly roll from my bra. Least to say I was pissed. Why do I have to be a rollil pollie. One more thing before I leeave I hate the cold it decided to visit us last night, makes smoking a cigerette so much more stressful.

Something about midnight.

I dont know what has made me become such a night owl lately but I love staying up all night and sleeping all day, it's not that I mean to I don't really like sleeping all day when my family's around but I just can't seem to pick myself out of bed until the sun is almost down. As I go on with this diet I find my self esteem going down more and more. I get more depressed everyday, and I don't want to blame it on the dieting because that seems the only thing keeping me happy at the moment but I'm not like how I use to be, so joyous, so happy, so carefree. I use to never care what other people thought about me but now it seems like the only thing I can think about. "I bet that cute boy over there thinks I'm fat"

One thing that enlighten my mood last night was shopping, as I was shopping grabbing size 3 shorts and small shirts I was thinking to myself these aren't going to fit but I'm going to try anyway. Most of everything I had was loose, which I was pleased with. But when I got home I realized I wasn't happy as I stepped onto the scale I gained a pound. Most of it was probly the dinner I had still in my body but it still upset me to the point where that's all I could think about. I don't want to live like this forever but as I thought when I get older I'm not going to be able to eat regular meals with my family. I will have to be the wife who eats salads and continuously watch what I eat. Damn body. Oh well I guess that's life, some girls get blessed with the perfect bodies others have to work for them. I can tell my body is getting smaller though, mostly in my legs so I'm going to try on the pair of size 5 jeans that have never seemed to fit. I don't understand how size 3 in everything else fits good or loose but these stubborn 5s wont go up past my legs. Errr, anyways died my hair a little darker I'm excited to see how well it looks. It's that dying my hair is the highlight of my saturday. I wish I had a life again, like tonight I was excited to get out of my house but when I did, I just wanted to come back home and get into my comfort zone again. This is where I think I'm loosing myself.

129.2 I would say I'm happy about this number, but I'm not. And I'm no where near where I want to be yet, but I'm pleased I lost. Last night I never went to sleep instead went to the club with some friends but I remained sober the whole time, which is a new for me. It was kinda of boring and I was pretty tired which lead me to sleep all day long. I'm still exhausted so I'm going to take another nap before I go out tonight for a friends birthday. I want to drink but if I do it wont be much. I'm worried about unwanted calories and more so my probation. I'm scared they're going to call me in. I ate some taco's for dinner but of course I had to purge them up again and I'm back to 129.4 So I should loose hopefully again tomorrow.

Leaden

Poop, I have absolutely NO energy what's so ever. I'm so exhausted, I could barely sleep last night and got awoke by my mother and stepdad arguing. Plus this stupid period.

It's funny how mother/daughter relationships work, I never wake up early in the morning especially before my alarm goes off. I was in a deep, cozy sleep when all of a sudden I woke up and it wasn't like a jump up lets get the day going waking up it was my startled daughter instincts, I could hear my mother's voice stressing. That is solemnly the only thing that woke me up from this hypnotised sleep.
She was pissed off at my step dad because she thinks he is talking to other girls(probly is) she's already caught him more than once. Me and my step dad haven't really gotten along much threw their marriage within the past year and a half would I say that we could actually tolerate eachother. One thing I realized though as my mother was not shouting but getting her point across about how much she busts her ass for him and our family, did I realize we ALL take advantage of her. I love my mother to death she has and always will be my best friend. She has had to bust her ass most of her life thanks to having me young but she has made her life the best she could for the both of us growing up and to me I wouldn't have trade my life or mother for the world. She takes the title hero in my life. She's smart, beautiful, and intelligent. When I get older and have my own family I only wish to be half the woman she is.

So I'm dedicating everyday to busting my ass a little even so much as cleaning the house everyday just so she doesn't have to come home and worry about it. Right now that is the most I can do(I wish I could pay the morage off for her but I'd have to get a good lump some of gulla for that) So even though I'm exhausted I'm going to try and clean the house a little bit more. I'm so weak right now I can barely pick up my arms. I blame that on the sprints I just did a little while ago. That took just about every ounce of energy I've had left for today.

OFF TOPIC:One thing that does make me mad about her though is when she was pregnant with me at the age of 17 she weighed 105 pounds, like seriously WTF. I'm no where near pregnant and 25 pounds more than her. That just shows me though that I can make it there, if my mother could be that small than so can I.


Still haven't ate today, so I'm proud of myself. I weighed myself when I got home 130.6 which isn't bad for all the diet coke and water I've drank today. My step dad braught home fried chicken, I'll skipp on dinner tonight with cleaning and when everyone eats I'll go pass out so they won't bother me. I skipped dinner last night and my mom knows I haven't ate anything today so this is the best option for me, I'm hoping that she's still upset so it will take her attention off me and more focused on my stepdad. Well no more burning energy on here I thing my fingers are about to fall off. Have a goodnight lovely, hope everyone had a good day.

Depressed Sinhole

I haven't been this down in a while, I really think it's just my period and emotions but everydamnthing has been getting on my nerves, not really but the out side world has been. I'm at least happy I've been hanging out with some guy friends lately at the pool hall, it gets me out of the house, I dont have to eat, and I dont drink which right now is what I need. I don't exactly know why I'm depressed I'm just bored with my life maybe? I wish I had more of a life maybe? I probly will be complaining in a month once I start school and see how stressful life really is going to be......but Im so fucking excited yet sad. I'm sad I wont be able to see my family everyday but I have to grow up sometime and I really would like to have my own freedom. It's my nerves.

On to better things, I did really well today. Haven't ate anything besides on bite of a cookie. Call me crazy but I was thinking about it this evening, when I get older I want to own a cafe with lots of coffee and sweet goodies. And to think these things I love to hate is what made me fat, but I want to own a business surrounded by food. This thought occured to me when I was baking my fabulous snickerdoodle, sugar, and peanutbutter chocolate chip cookies. Let me remind you I didn't eat any, I'm pretty proud of myself. I thought about having one, took a bite and thought about how well I've done today so I told my mom to try the rest. She loved them of course :) It's so ironic how I can hate food, but loving baking for people. I still really regret that bite of cookie though. So tomorrow I have a visit with my probation officer. Yay!<-saracastic I get to go in, let him tell me my progress, give them my money, with a big smile on my face when in all reality I just want to yell "Hey queerbait go fuck yourself." Only 9 and half months more of this shit. I can get threw it.

On another hand one of my ex's/mine good friends is throwing a christmas party I'm excited about. He want's to "get with me" I've known this for a while, he is pretty cute, funny as hell, and has an AMAZING body but as much as I want too I'm not going to have sex with him. BUT I do want to be cute and skinny so I'm going to try and fast as long as I can, and totally restrict. The main reason for that I just in case CB decides to show his face there. He isn't the main reason for me loosing weight, I want to loose the weight for myself but doesn't mean I won't flaunt it in front of CB :) anyways I'm going to take a shower. Waking up early in the morning goodnight lovelys. Hope everyone had a good day.

Insanity, eh maybe?

It's now 7 O'clock in the morning, my family has awoke from a well rested nights sleep. Me on the other hand is a totally different story. I've been up all night, not one ounce of sleep slaving over ana and mia blogs, various youtube videos on eating disorders, and documentaries on recovery facilities. I think I've gone completely bonkers. One thing this has showed me is I need to absolutely be on my own to do well. I've come to realization that I'm more bulimic than anorexic. In my house full of fattening foods it's hard not to binge eat after a while, the binging....well you know leads to purging. Once I'm on my own I can control what foods come into my shopping cart at the grocery store, I can have a control more on what I put past my lips. I would like to be more ana since I seem to loose weight faster that way. Today I did pretty good considering my pre-bitch(period) week. A week before my period I always eat like a mad man, and break out like I just put extra pepperoni on a hot new pizza. Well I'm going to finally sleep, I'm exhausted now.............

Well I just woke up, it's about 3:30 and I had the most stressful dream about CB today. We literally argued in my entire dream. About everything, mostly about the past. The weird part was everything seemed so real, although I hadn't seen him since my birthday party I can still remember every detail his body encounters from his face to his 2nd grade scribbled hand writing. For some reason my family was giving me presents, while he made me cry. SO typical. Then outta no where some old black guy started preaching to us that we argue to much and that if we didn't learn to get along we would never last as a couple, after that I woke up. Although it wasn't good dream, I wish it were still real, even if it was arguments that whole time at least I had him again. He was also drunk in this dream lol.

I'm not even gonna talk about my weight right now I'm so depressed saying it out loud will only upset me more. But ana is staying with me today, hiding out in my room. Oh and big unstressful yet depressing thing just happened.....I just deleted my facebook. I feel an emptiness but like so much weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm sick of seeing everyone either
A. Complaining about being single and how lonely they are.
B. How happy they are and how perfect their life is(not many people have been posting these but seeing them makes me sick to my stomach and makes me hate them)
C. Or people talking about how shitty their life is, we are all stuck in a shitty life fucktard, what makes you like I want to hear you complain about your existence. You don't see me posting about how low my life has been lately.(I want to tear my hair out)

Another thing that has been irritating me is my best friend. Now I love her to death but every night she goes out, she's carefree having fun without me and that has definitely put me in a slump. I wish I could have a ton of pretty friends while my body is perfect itself but I'm not so I sulk at home looking a her daily club updates wishing I was her.

I hate myself, is that enough?



^Aint that the damn truth!

Once again, I feel like a fat fuck. I ate so much today, but I tryed to throw up most of it. I look at my ex's girlfriend today and finally realized why he chose her over me, well I always knew why but it finally hit me. I look at her body in envy, she's so skinny I hate her. Honestly we use to be friends and she's actually nice and I like her, but I want to hate her with a passion because she has what I want, what I had, what she stole from me. Some friend she was huh? I not only envy her body but her morals, she actually has dignity something I lost with my ex. But that's what made him so attracted to her, she was the one girl that was hard to get. But then again now that he has her he treats her the same as he treated me....like shit. I don't understand myself, why do I want someone so bad that treats me like shit. I've thought alot about this, it's not that I want him exactly I remember when we were together it felt like we were married. Like a married couple, and I didn't like it. Probly because I was so young but it's the fact that he doesn't want me anymore that drives me crazy. This kid honestly gets on my nerve but I love him. How do you win? As much as he annoys the living shit outta me, he's the only guy that I've ever loved and think about everyday. And like I said before I want my heart back.

I know my face is prettier than her's or like I'd like to believe, but how am I suppose to compete with a body like this^

 No wonder why CB chose her over me :/

If I have this body, I can at least be even with her.

Starting Sunday I'm going back on my skinny diet, little eating, alot of exercising and being skinny.

Fuck all of this, fuck everything. Fuck this fat.

132.8 Kill me right, I hate you body. :/

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Okay, so I'm in love again this time with a movie. Black Swan was such a good movie, in a physco kinda way. It really was a weird movie and at times was hard to understand but SO good. Everyone was so beautiful. So skinny. So encouraging. I loved every minute it of it. Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis were the main characters. Both very gorgeous and although I wouldn't want to be as skinny as they were in this movie(95 pounds) their bodies were to elegant and perfect like true ballerina's. They are my thinspo for tonight. This movie was so good I'm saying screw this 3 in the morning bullshit, screw the empty hunger in my stomach I'm watching this movie again.

Suffer in the pain of REGRET

I don't even want to speak of my weight right now. This past weekend I put myself to shame, drank to many calories and in my drunkeness stupid mind frame, I binged. Not really binged a whole lot just ate some REALLY terrible foods. Enough terrible foods to make me gain all the weight back, and not only that but to keep binging. I think it's my period about to start also, but that's no excuse. Last week my mind was stuck in skinny, this week I cant seem to get it out the gutters of utterly nasty food. Yesterday I indulged in a nice big bagel with creamfatcheese and cereal. Today I did good until dinner. I only had a boiled egg, and tea. Then dinner rolled around, mom made stir fry I only had the chicken and veggies. held off on the rice but then I wanted more. Ate banana bread, a piece of cake, and a peanut butter sand which. I purged most of it out but I still feel like a complete failure no matter how hard I purge, It was to the point where I thought my stomach was exploding and acid was flowing threw every blood vessel in my entire body. Everything just hurt and burned.

I hate that I wasted a whole week of doing good for nothing, I wish  I could get my head back into ana right now. This is why I shouldn't eat, once I start I can't stop. But when I don't....I wake up hungry, go to bed hungry, I only feed for hungry. I feed for skinny.

I have one month. I start school in January, and I'll be attending with my adorably hot best friend. She weighs about 13 pounds less than me and you can imagine the damage it does to me. I want the guys to be looking at me also when we walk into class. It's a whole new beginning for me and I want to make the most of it. There will be sooo many more opportunities, I will have school and work to stress out about so less eating to worry about, buying my own foods so I wont be stuck in charlies chocolate factory anymore, my apartment complex with a 24 hour gym plus tanning bed, and I'll be forced to walk more often so burning more calories, new friends, and new clubs. Complete freedom, I can imagine at first it will be kind of lonely but at least I have my best friend to be there for me. I want all the hot guys in the big college town to be looking at me, to fall in love with me. To be cruelfully honest I want to be the hot bitch that breaks their tiny little hearts and work back for mine once CB(ex) see's the new and improve me, I want him to want me back, to hold me again and for once feel skinny in his arms at night. Im pretty sure I can get my heart back. I will get there, 2012 will make up for the past 2 shitty years I've had. I will make sure of it. Plus I have to loose the weight before Sebo comes down at the end of the month. So lets do this. No more excuses, no more binging. You felt what skinny started to feel like Cee lets make skinny an everyday thing now shall we.

If they can do it, why can't I?

Delight

129!!! Yes not only did I surprise myself (body) that I actually lost that much weight considering my episode from last night, but I also reached my first goal. Its hard to believe I weighed 135.8 Monday and now its Friday and I weigh 129 flat. Sorry I'm ecstatic I haven't been in the 120's in a while. And although I'm happy I'm still not pleased, like I said I want more. I want to be in the teens right now. To loose 6.8 pounds in 5 days is pretty damn good I'd say. I just hope they continue to shed off like this. Although I know it will only get harder I'm prepare for a challenge.

This is the body I want, and the body I will have.

Welll 130.8 I reached my mini goal last night but I'm not quite pleased with that. i was hoping for 130 flat, but beggers cant always be chooser so as long as I'm loosing I'm happy. I've been having weird dreams the past couple nights, they seem so real. 2 nights ago I had a dream that I ate a shit load of chocolate and last night I had one where I was eating peanutbutter, marsh mellows, and chocolate. I wake up freaking out thinking how could I have done that, that's when I realize it was only a dream. It seems so realistic because I have all those disgusting food in my house. I'm getting stronger and I'm proud of myself. Last week I would have been indulging in those nasty food and then just purged them up, but now I have the strength to not worry about them. I haven't purged all week which is the longest Ive gone without purging in about a month. I started getting bad, like I said before to the point where I was starting to enjoy my purging. But I never lost weight like I am now. So I'm saving my teeth and and limiting my eating. The thought of purging is still there though, I thought about it last night but I held off because like I said my body needs something, some kind of energy for today.....

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EVERYTHING up there that I said earlier can get shoved down my throat and explode in my mind.
I'm so pissed off at myself.


Tonight didn't go as smooth as I'd hope, figures my mom would have to get pizza for dinner. I've seriously been craving pizza for the past 2 weeks, so of course I binged. I threw it all up or as much as I could. I feel disappointed and ashamed of myself though, like all my hard work being put to waste. I felt sick eating all that, and not just mentally, but physically sick from being an empty tummy to being so full I was about to explode. Hopefully I don't gain any weight from this. I'm missing the empty feeling in my tummy, right now I know it's empty but my stomachs expanded from the food, that's the feeling I miss. Uh I did so good just had tea all day nothing to eat and then ate way to many pieces of pizza. I added up the calories I put into my stomach it would be about 1100 calories. To fucking insane for me to process threw my brain, FUCK YOU PIZZA. And thanks mom for buying it, I wish my family had a healthier lifestyle so eating healthy would be so much easier. December please be good to me and go by quick so next year can come. January starts a new year, my own apartment, new school, new job. NEW LIFESTYLE, fuck yes!