Suffer in the pain of REGRET

I don't even want to speak of my weight right now. This past weekend I put myself to shame, drank to many calories and in my drunkeness stupid mind frame, I binged. Not really binged a whole lot just ate some REALLY terrible foods. Enough terrible foods to make me gain all the weight back, and not only that but to keep binging. I think it's my period about to start also, but that's no excuse. Last week my mind was stuck in skinny, this week I cant seem to get it out the gutters of utterly nasty food. Yesterday I indulged in a nice big bagel with creamfatcheese and cereal. Today I did good until dinner. I only had a boiled egg, and tea. Then dinner rolled around, mom made stir fry I only had the chicken and veggies. held off on the rice but then I wanted more. Ate banana bread, a piece of cake, and a peanut butter sand which. I purged most of it out but I still feel like a complete failure no matter how hard I purge, It was to the point where I thought my stomach was exploding and acid was flowing threw every blood vessel in my entire body. Everything just hurt and burned.

I hate that I wasted a whole week of doing good for nothing, I wish  I could get my head back into ana right now. This is why I shouldn't eat, once I start I can't stop. But when I don't....I wake up hungry, go to bed hungry, I only feed for hungry. I feed for skinny.

I have one month. I start school in January, and I'll be attending with my adorably hot best friend. She weighs about 13 pounds less than me and you can imagine the damage it does to me. I want the guys to be looking at me also when we walk into class. It's a whole new beginning for me and I want to make the most of it. There will be sooo many more opportunities, I will have school and work to stress out about so less eating to worry about, buying my own foods so I wont be stuck in charlies chocolate factory anymore, my apartment complex with a 24 hour gym plus tanning bed, and I'll be forced to walk more often so burning more calories, new friends, and new clubs. Complete freedom, I can imagine at first it will be kind of lonely but at least I have my best friend to be there for me. I want all the hot guys in the big college town to be looking at me, to fall in love with me. To be cruelfully honest I want to be the hot bitch that breaks their tiny little hearts and work back for mine once CB(ex) see's the new and improve me, I want him to want me back, to hold me again and for once feel skinny in his arms at night. Im pretty sure I can get my heart back. I will get there, 2012 will make up for the past 2 shitty years I've had. I will make sure of it. Plus I have to loose the weight before Sebo comes down at the end of the month. So lets do this. No more excuses, no more binging. You felt what skinny started to feel like Cee lets make skinny an everyday thing now shall we.