Welll 130.8 I reached my mini goal last night but I'm not quite pleased with that. i was hoping for 130 flat, but beggers cant always be chooser so as long as I'm loosing I'm happy. I've been having weird dreams the past couple nights, they seem so real. 2 nights ago I had a dream that I ate a shit load of chocolate and last night I had one where I was eating peanutbutter, marsh mellows, and chocolate. I wake up freaking out thinking how could I have done that, that's when I realize it was only a dream. It seems so realistic because I have all those disgusting food in my house. I'm getting stronger and I'm proud of myself. Last week I would have been indulging in those nasty food and then just purged them up, but now I have the strength to not worry about them. I haven't purged all week which is the longest Ive gone without purging in about a month. I started getting bad, like I said before to the point where I was starting to enjoy my purging. But I never lost weight like I am now. So I'm saving my teeth and and limiting my eating. The thought of purging is still there though, I thought about it last night but I held off because like I said my body needs something, some kind of energy for today.....

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EVERYTHING up there that I said earlier can get shoved down my throat and explode in my mind.
I'm so pissed off at myself.


Tonight didn't go as smooth as I'd hope, figures my mom would have to get pizza for dinner. I've seriously been craving pizza for the past 2 weeks, so of course I binged. I threw it all up or as much as I could. I feel disappointed and ashamed of myself though, like all my hard work being put to waste. I felt sick eating all that, and not just mentally, but physically sick from being an empty tummy to being so full I was about to explode. Hopefully I don't gain any weight from this. I'm missing the empty feeling in my tummy, right now I know it's empty but my stomachs expanded from the food, that's the feeling I miss. Uh I did so good just had tea all day nothing to eat and then ate way to many pieces of pizza. I added up the calories I put into my stomach it would be about 1100 calories. To fucking insane for me to process threw my brain, FUCK YOU PIZZA. And thanks mom for buying it, I wish my family had a healthier lifestyle so eating healthy would be so much easier. December please be good to me and go by quick so next year can come. January starts a new year, my own apartment, new school, new job. NEW LIFESTYLE, fuck yes!