Lets get skinny shall we.

I woke up pretty late today, slept till about 1 but my stepdad was in his room doing homework when I woke up and figures the scale is in their bathroom but he finally came out. 132.2 which I can say is decent, considering I've had a glass of tea and 2 bites of that salad from last night. I'm going to try to aim for below 131 tomorrow. I think I can do it, I love watching the numbers go down on the scale. I feed for it, that's all I could think about when I woke up. Scale. Scale. Scale. How much do I weight today. I feel like I should eat a little bit more of the salad but I'm going to wait and eat that for dinner so my parents don't say to much, show that I'm eating something right? I'm gonna finish folding my clothes then do some crunches and measure my body to see where I'm at and how much weight I'm loosing and where.

Waist: 32 1/2 inches <--fatass
1 Arm: 11 inches
1 Leg:  22 inches <-fuckkkk me
Bust: 36 inches

My legs and stomach need the most work so instead of just crunches were also doing leg lifts :)

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Tonight: Well dinner went better than expected. My grandma made some limabean soup, so we went over to her house. Honestly wasn't that great but I had a spoon full and a diet coke and a cheese stick, and the rest of the salad or should I say lettuce. I'm pretty content with that. I think it was just enough to put food in my system for energy tomorrow the only problem my stomach wants more. Now it's about 11:30 and my stomach is grumbling and as empty as the devils soul. That's one thing that sucks when you actually start eating again, you always want and crave more which leads people to binge. I'm glad my head is on today, I wont eat anymore today, tomorrow starts a new for foods. I plan on at least eating some kind of fruit, just so I know my body has something. Like my mother said I only have one body and I need to take care of it, which I will completely take care of when I get to the size I want to be at. I don't plan on eating like this forever, I would like to have a healthy life style and eat regularly like everyone else, but for now I want to shrink and this is the only way I know how.

Intake:
lettuce(salad)-10 calories
diet coke
half a cup of lima bean soup but i had tiny pieces of ham so I'm gonna say 190
cheese stick(i looked online says 60-80)
10 lays chips is about 105

total: so between 360-385 a little more than I wanted but it will have to do.

Update:

Oh.My.God. I'm in love, I just got done watching the Victoria Secret Fashion Show. It was perfect, just like those girls. I would kill to have one of their bodies, actually not kill....I will do. That's was enough thinspiration to last me the next month. Every single one of those angels were flawless. I posted something on it about facebook, it was kinda annoying people saying they were to skinny, my god did you look at them they were perfect. My best friend decided to say if you wanna be anorexic, which to me was stupid. I know she has an eating disorder too(we don't really talk about it in detail but we know we both purge alot) anyways I know she only said that because it was on facebook. She likes to put on a show for people which is all fine and dandy but I'm not like that, I was jealous so I told the world. Like seriously who ever isn't jealous of those girls is insane. I appreciated everyone telling me that I shouldn't be jealous because I was better or pretty than them girls, but they dont see me like I see myself, they don't have to look at my fat body everytime I have to take a shower at night or look in the mirror. I will become my ideal girl and I don't care if anyone thinks I'm to skinny or to fat, honestly I could give 2 shits what other people think about me as long as I'm happy with my body their opinions can get shoved up a monkeys ass

Im loving my energy today, I really am. I wish everyday could be like this, be this easy. I'd be skinny without a doubt. I'm quite proud of myself, I've done pretty good today, I had that slice of cucumber, and on my way home my mom said she was stopping by Mcdonalds. I told her I would just eat a salad at home. She made a big salad and some left over chicken. I had 3 slices of chicken(which would add up to about 1/3 of a chick breast) and I took a couple bites of salad, but never made a plate just kinda munched here and there. She left it out for me I guess to see if I'lll eat it? I'm not going to, I'm gonna save it and eat it tomorrow when I wake up. For now I'm going to do a ton of crunches. I'm going threw my closet right now and I'm slightly pleased with the way some of my clothes are fitting. I am in between a size 4 and 5. Which I'm not happy with, when I was pretty big, at my highest weight I was about 170(fuckin insane right) I dreamed about being 130 pounds and being in a size 4. Now that I'm here I want more. I want to be a size 2 or 1 better yet I want to taste skinnyness with a size 0. My best friend is about the same height as me and she weighs around 120, I want to skinnier than that. I want to be 110 fuck if I want 105. To want something like this you have to want it, crave it, taste it, endugle in. I endugle alright, in every ounce of fat that is shed from my body. I've never been that skinny but I can already taste it now. I will get there, and like I said I don't care what my family, friends, or enemies think. I don't care if they think I'm "too" skinny, it's my body, my health, and it doesn't involve anoyone but me. I think it's time for them to shut the fuck up.

Raise your hand in perfection!

Postivity is the key to success.

Finally starting to get back on track from thanksgiving hell. Weighed myself this morning 134.4 just got on the scale tonight and weighed 133.2. I'm pretty pleased, I kept busy with cleaning, nor was I in the mood to eat, I'm getting hungry right now so I went to go look in my fridge and pantry. Alll those fatty foods didn't arouse me. So I had a very thin slice of a cucumber. For dinner if I decide to eat I'll have a salad. Hopefully my parents don't bring anything home we've already got to many deserts in my house, it's sickening but I'm really in the mood to smoke right now. I wish I had some money to buy some weed. I think that would just be the topping to my positive day. I'll give an update later tonight when my family gets home.

Blow my brains out.

So me and Sebo just had one of our goodnight video chats. At first I was totally against it regarding my feelings on him being with his girlfriend and stuff this weekend. But it was kinda nice, he still puts me in a good mood. Im at least glad he talked about his girlfriend, and he's the one who actually braught her up. I know he wants me and my friends to stay the night when he's down but he says I scare him, I know that's because I know he wants me.....which makes me happy but sad at the same time. It makes me sad because I want him too(not just for the sex) but Im not going to have sex with him while he has a girlfriend, it's just not right to me. He doesnt want me talking to her which I dont understand why in the first place why he thinks I would want to talk to her. I want him to not be with her but Im not gonna break them up not like that anyways. I want HIM to break up with her! Still to this day he is 1 out of the 2 guys I've ever had feelings for and my feelings for him wont go away, but that doesnt mean Im gonna try going threw  the "trying to break someone up" stage.....tryed the with Conner and it epically failed. Although this is a very different situtation and I probly could split them up Im not going to, I didn't like that person I became when I was younger, so I learned to change and Im not gonna go back to that person I was a year ago. I've learned alot of lesson's in life and that was one of them. He knows Im a wild child I guess that's what scares him but I dont understand out of all the girls he could have come hang out with him why me?.....oh wait I know because he wants me, its like I cant win but I do somehow.

Besides that my weight hasn't been that good, gained a little more than I expected. I weighed myself this morning I was 135.8, I've done pretty good today so Im hoping I'll loose a pound. I would say more than a pound but I was so lazy today. I nearly slept the whole entire day away, so I didn't burn very many calories.

Intake:
Ham and Potato soup.

I've been bad this month with keeping up to date, my weight hasn't changed much beside gaining a pound :/

I've been eating alot but purging alot, I'm starting to think I actually like purging. I can feel the effects its having on my teeth and I'm not digging that. I have to learn to stop and just not eat much at all, I have to loose at least 10 pounds before the end of December which I know I can do I just have to put my mind to it. I wasn't able to weigh myself for a couple days but I did this morning and I was 134.2 which I wasn't happy with. Tomorrow's thanksgiving and I can't not eat on this yummy holiday but I know I'll throw up my food so I'm not to worried bout it. After this weekend I plan on fasting for a couple days. I would start right after thanksgiving but this weekend is the UF vs FSU game and I will be tailgating like a mofo and drinking on an empty stomach does not go well with me so I plan on eating a good meal before I start pregaming.

My situation with Sebo hasn't changed much but yet has all in the same, I'm questioning whether I want to even see him right now. He keeps pursing me, like if I want to feel free to send him a pic, or like my other night drunk text on telling him I wanted to fuck him. I don't know I talked with him and his 2 friends that are coming down with him, and his best friend I know is in a relationship. Their girlfriends are sister. But they way they talk is like they plan on cheating on them. I'm not sure how to take it, I don't want to be that other girl. I wont be, but I want him so bad. I plan on confronting him about it, because that makes me wonder if he's willing to cheat on her was it possible one of the only guys I've ever trusted could have cheated on me? If I did anything with him I'd make him end it with her first. I'm pretty sure he wont, I realized something today, when he broke up with me(i pushed him to) it was a month before summer time. I remember that summer I tryed to get back with him but he basically told me that it would never happen, anyways I remember seeing a girl text his phone and when I asked him about it he told me not to worry about it because she was from Ohio. And I'm not 100% positive but I'm pretty sure that is his current girlfriend. I'm starting to think that he had that planned the whole time.

Not that he wanted to break up with me but me pushing him to break up with me was the perfect chance for him to, I'm starting to think he was talking to her for a while, while we were dating. I don't know if I'm thinking to much into it, but that's my defense side coming up. It really put me into a bad mood today, not only that but when I got home I found out that he was spending his thanksgiving with her, so  that means their together right now. I don't understand it though, whenever I try to bring her up(not reallly saying anything about a gf just hinting he completely ignores it) like I asked him what all he was doing for Christmas break he told me the many places he was going and one of them was Ohio, so I played dumb and asked him what was in Ohio and his response was presents.

I can't really be to mad at him if he did cheat on me, because I cheated on him many of time with Conner. But it still pissed me off. I know how the army works with relationships. My step dad was in the army when him and my mom met, alot of couples cheat on each other. And I know boys will be boys and I've thought about well maybe if I get into a relationship would I rather know if he's gonna be with other girls or just not ever hear about it and let him cheat on me. I wouldn't consider it cheating if I okayed it but if I didn't know about it then I would definitely consider it cheating, I just don't know if Im okay with him being with other girls yet. Like I said I don't know, I'm reading to much into it. I know he wont break up with his girlfriend just to be with me, especially since him and his best friend have a little group going with these sisters. But I want to believe that he will, I plan on confronting him on what his intentions will be with me but I'll wait till the end of next week so his girlfriend isn't to fresh on his mind but so I still know where I stand in his life. Anyways Happy Thanksgiving hope everyone has a good day tomorrow.

Wasn't amazed or impressed when I stepped onto the scale this morning. 134.2 Not at alll good, and not impressed at all with my eating today. :/

I have no one to blame but myself. I did so good today......until this evening. I spent half the day with grandma again doing our yard sale(grandma I think has a bit of an eating disorder so she never eats).... but made pretty good money threw out the day. It's amusing how the saying "one mans trash is another mans treasure" is so true. I made 70 bucks on stuff that was hidden in my closet that I wont ever wear or stuff that was given to me that I wont ever use or wear so I'd say it was pretty decent day. It put me in a pretty good mood honestly(except for my tiredness that had caught up with me from the previous nights) I was exhausted when it hit around 4 so I took a nap slept till about 6:30 when I woke up I was hungry and my head was not straight. I was awoke from my siblings and cousins. My family was home and brought sweet fatass goodies with them. About 20 cupcakes. I ATE THREE. They were so delis. I couldn't resist eating one, than another, and yet another one. I was full of hunger when I woke up and not having my head on straight it made me endulge in not only those but some high fattening mac n cheese. And not just the cheap kraft regular mac n cheese but the white cheddar shell mac n cheese. I was disgusted with myself. I tried to get ride of it. BIG SURPRISE right? But I'm thinking that I didn't. I thought I still had food in my stomach but I couldn't throw up anything but water. I tried, and tried, and tried. But barely anything came out. I was puking air.

And to make matters worse I've been drinking tonight. But drinking calories don't bother me as much as food calories. I drink to get drunk, so I see it as a good excuse, wheres as food I constantly stress about and don't think is an excuse for calories. It's a little after 2 and I'm pretty buzzed, convincing myself that I shouldn't text Sebo, and exhausted. I don't want to text Sebo because I feel like he's busy or worse my head is convincing me that he's with his gf this weekend(or he had a boxing match) either one doesn't excuse him from not texting me back last night. Maybe the fact that he was with his gf but he could have told me his reason this morning. I feel like I'm trying to hard and that is my worst absolute worst pet peeve. When I'm trying and its being blown off, like I've said before I know he really truly is a busy man but again a text does not take but a few seconds to write.

As you can see I held off on the party, I didnt want the after effects that Conner and D give me so I changed my mind on attending, Anyways my drinking has made me exhausted, drowsy and vulnerable so I'm gonna take my tipsy ass to bed before I do something I'll regret in the morning. So goodnight to all, may your weight goals come true, remember to stay strong even when it may seem impossible.

Oh and when I awake in the morning I will have them brain mentality that I wont eat. I will be strong tomorrow and eat if anything, it would be dinner that I will more than likely throw up.  I will reach my goal, even if that means throwing up everyday. I will do anything to reach it, and right now throwing up is the laziest and easiest way for me so even if it's ruining my body right now, it will be worth it in the long run.

Well today was an okay day, spent the whole day with grandma. Ate a sandwich for lunch purged that up, drink soda freaked out about the calories. I know my purging is getting bad, I feel the need to eat everyday but I freak out on the calories so I puke it up. Like dinner, we went out to eat I had 4 slices of a chicken quesadilla, drank diet soda, i didn't want to throw up at the restaurant so I decided to wait till I got home, but I was freaking out the whole way home. It was a constant thought, thinking could these fuckers in front of me drive any slower, how many calories is my stomach disgusting right now? The first chance I got, I got ride of it all. That's alll I had today though beside endless amounts of diet coke.

I didn't get the chance to check my weight this morning when I woke up, thanks to my nagging and hurried mother but in the middle of the day I weighed myself at my grandma's. I stepped on the scale and it said 137 I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. There is no way I gained 4 pounds in one and a half days. NO WAY, I'm not excepting it. I think her scale is off or something...that has to be it. I don't feel like I've gained weight and I don't feel like I've lost anything. I praying in the morning that I see 133 or lower on the scale.

Sebo has been kinda distant this week. I know he's been really busy this week, but he's too busy sometimes. I don't know if I should try to pursue a relationship with him or not. Given he has a girlfriend, but that and I want someone who is gonna give me attention and it's not that I don't think he would, I know he would but with how busy he always is..is that gonna be enough attention that I need right now. Not only that but not being able to see him at times that might consume as long as months. I'm willing to risk it and try, then again I don't know if he would ever give me another try. I think he'll be a healthy relationship for me, he was before and as much as drunk ass proved that I want him. I got drunk the other night and told him I wanted to fuck him then told him I was sorry right after that. The next night he said it was alright and that it made him laugh.

 I've been in the whole "single" mood today. Not understanding why I should pursue a relationship. Tomorrow it'll be the opposite I'll be all sappy, lovey, miserable, and alone. Going to this party tomorrow isn't gonna help me any. My best friend want to go to a party one of our friends is having, BIG downside Conner and D will be there and I know their status is back on official so that's gonna be JUST GREAT. I don't even want to go but I do? I'm annoyed with myself right now. I've gotten 2 hours of sleep in the past 20 hours and I'm not even tired(thanks to the 15 minute nap) I had earlier.

Body. I. Hate. You.

Okay, so I'm pretty ecstatic that I lost 2 POUNDS in one day, Yesterday morning when I weighed myself I was 136 when I weighed myself last night before I went to bed I weighed 135 so I was pretty happy that I knew I had lost a pound (forgiven I had pooped last night too) so that was probly why I lost the pound but I was not expecting to loosing another pound when I woke up today, so I'm pleased but I look at my body and I hate everything about it.

My goal weight use to be 125 I'm now shooting for between 110-115 I think with my height 5'4 that would be a pretty standard weight. I don't want to be anorexic stick skinny where I have no tits or ass but I want to be skinny enough to feel skinny? I don't know if that will ever happen for me but that's what I'm aiming for. I look at my body in complete disgust.

Growing up I was always the fat one. I was super skinny until I hit about 7 or 8 then I pulnged. My freshmen year of high school I weighed briefly around 170 pounds. THANK GOD I'm not that big anymore. I lost 30 pounds the summer before my sophomore year but my weight always fluctuates from 140-130 since then. My dramatic weight loss from when I was younger has still stayed with my body though. My skin is very thin and brittle so I have alot of excessive skin like in my arms, inners legs, calfs, stomach, worst part my boobs, EVERYWHERE. The one part of my body that annoys me the most is my boobs though, they sagg like I'm a 60 old woman and I hate it. At my highest weight my boobs were falling out of a D cup now I barely fit into a C cup and it's full of saggness. I plan on getting a boob job within the next year and a half, just to make them perkier again.

I want to find a lotion or something that makes my skin more defined and thinker I guess? If not within the next 5 years I plan on getting my legs and arms fix though, the excessive skin drives me absolutely INSANE. I'm to the point where I will loose more weight and if my skin gets any loose I'm gonna kill myself. I reallly don't even care if my parents know that I have a problem with my food, I just don't care. They already know I'm not happy with my body and that I want many surgery's done to it so why not tell them I creating a eating disorder on the way, I'm pretty sure they think that they know anyways. Then I won't have to hide it so much either, I know that their not gonna approve of it at all but what can they do? It's my body and they learned that quick when they forbided me to get a tattoo when I was younger, and I did that so I have control over my body not them. Im trying to make my blog a little prettier and put some new things on it so if it looks ugly for a while dont judge me lol

Wasting away.

I'm so bored with my life, I feel like I do nothing with it the past couple months. That's because honestly I haven't done anything. I cant wait to start this new job, start making really good money and start school. I can finally move out on my own, get me a sweet ass bike(or car) fix my truck up, get lots of nice new clothes(when I finally loose this weight) be extremely hot, have hot guys chasing me. Ahhh that sounds like the life.

Speaking of weight, I didn't gain as much weight as I thought I did. I weighed myself yesterday I weighed a little over 137. Cant say I was happy but I was pleasant to see that I hadn't gained more. I ate a salad and some chicken noodle soup my mom made and I lost a little over a pound so I'm even more happy. I weighed myself this morning and I weighed 136 flat. Yesterday I didn't even exercise and I lost weight.

Today I woke up reallly late but I had some turkey and lettuce and cheese which adds up to about 160 in calories. I'm stilll kinda hungry so I think I'm gonna boil some eggs and have one just to filll me up.

I don't reallly know what to say about Sebo right now. We've def. been flirting and talking more but I don't know what he wants. He brought up my ex the other night, he always new that was my first love but I was very surprised that he even brought him up. When I tryed to bring up the fact that he has a girlfriend he changed the subject quick as hell. I don't know, he is someone I can see myself spending the rest of my life with, I think? I know he's not my soul mate, but he's a very good guy. And I would love to be with him right now but I'm afraid I wont want to be with him later I guess? He aspires me so much with his school and boxing, I really look up to him and I know he would treat me like a princess I think I'm more attracked to his personality than looks and I think that's what I need right now but will that last forever, I'm so bad with commitment. I run from the very start of it.

I know I wont actually be able to fully "be" as in live with him until he finishes school in another 3 years, I guess I just don't want to be with him for a long time and then find someone (like my soul mate) and then break his heart. Long distance relationships are very hard, I learned that the first time we dated but right now I feel like falling off the planet and focus on straight school and work and getting my life together for the future and just being there for him. He says I think way to far into the future(I know I do) and I honestly don't even know if he would give me another chance, when we broke up he told me that we would never get back together but like the other night when we were talking about old times he says he wishes he could do them again so I'm very confused right now. I just don't want to miss out in case he does want to get back with me but I'm afraid to try and look like a dumbass when he turns me down. I think Im reading to much into it, Im gonna kinda just keep easing my way in there and ask him when I get a little liquid courage and ask him when he comes home from christmas.

That's another thing that has been running threw my mind lately, I know he wants me to come hang out and bring some friends so he can show his friends a good time, but I really dont know what he means by that. Im not tracking his thought at alll, I dont know if he just wants to use me for my friends or he actually wants to see me. He tells me he does, I just dont know if he's telling me that to tell me or if thats what he actually means.

Rant mode.

Okay well I've been pretty busy the last couple days so I have failed to write but I need to just rant and hopefully clear my mind a little bit. The weekend was pretty good, my best friend is amazing! She threw me a birthday party saturday, I got pretty wasted so that was a success but of course Conner HAD to fucking show his face at my party. And he had to have D with him, like really WHY do you have to ruin me on my own birthday.....a party that was thrown for ME. And neither one of them had the decince to tell me happy birthday. I know why he couldn't tell me and I kinda blocked it until my best friend told me she talked to him and told me the reason why he wouldnt talk to me. I always knew why but when she told me it made it real and I began to cry my eyes out. Douche bag. Other than that I went on a double date with KB(best friend) and two adorable cute guys. I really am interested in the guy I was with but Im not to sure on how interested he is with me. I think my doubting on this guy liking me is only making me think more of Conner. IM DRIVING MYSELF FUCKING INSANE.

Im hating this feeling, its like he haunts me 24/7 and no matter how hard I try I cant stop thinking about him. It's like when I dont see him I dont think about him as much but even a couple hours of avoiding eachother as much as possible for one night kills me for months afterward. Like a never ending hell. I stay up litterally all night and day thinking about him. I toss and turns in my bed at night trying not to think about him but thats all I can do, then I never sleep and my body gets exhausted. Like last night, laid in bed till about 430 thinking about him. I woke up early this morning and thought about him all day, came home and I was extremely tired to where my legs were killing me with aches so I took a nap and I thought it woulda been amazing because I knew how tired I was and what happens I fucking dream about him like I did last night. Like seriously wth. No wonder why I was so addicted to zanies when we were done. I couldnt deal with the pain, at least the zanies took the pain away and made me forget everything even if it was just for a day. I dont want to have to depend on drugs again but I seriously cant handle this anymore. Its litterally killing me. My mind is my own worst enemy.




On to other things Im pretty sure I've gained back all the weight I lost, thanks to eating food. But Im back on track this week. I plan on getting extremely high tomorrow but I willl kill my munchies with good thoughts. I did pretty good today, had 2 eggs this morning a salad for lunch, stir fry for dinner but I threw that up soo I think I'lll be good. I wish I could sleep but Im afraid to fall asleep because of my haunting dreams, so Im gonna kill myself with more deprived sleep and watch some family guy and watch dazed and confused and hopefully pass out somewhere between there.

Another day.

Welll I must say today was so much better, I distracted myself with cleaning today, stayed away from all bad foods, ate light, and consumed enough caffeine to last me the rest of the year. Maybe that's why it's 4 am and I'm not the slightest bit of tired. I ate pretty good today, I'm proud of myself I thought I would want to munch without any cigarettes. I can tell tomorrow is going to be much more of a challenge though so I plan on sleeping very late, cleaning my carpets, run for a little bit, go to my brothers baseball game, probably chat a little with Sebo and sleep a little after I get home so I'll stay busy and not think about things to much. Not food or cigarettes anyways.

I think I'm starting to get sick, I'm kinda hoping I do so I wont have much of an appetite but I dont wanna feel like shit for my party and date this weekend. So I'm gonna take some vitamins and I was thinking about giving myself food poisoning. I don't know, I know that seems a little over board but at least I can not want to eat and not be asked about it and have a legit excuse ya know. I'm gonna look further into it and how bad the side effects are, I don't want to have to go to the hospital or anything just a couple days to not want food.

Intake:
2 hard boiled eggs 140
1 cup of chicken soup about 150 calories
and I just had a couple sips of milk to fill my completely empty tummy.

With all I had to drink I think I'm a little over 350 calories with the tea and cup of coffee I had this morning. I didn't get to really workout today but I was steady busy doing something so I hoped I burned a couple calories. I WILL run tomorrow and try to have a little more calories around 400 I'd say and run 4 miles I should burn more than my intake. So wish me luck. Oh and I hate not having a scale right now, I think I'm gonna go insane right now if I don't check my weight soon. I'm now going to TRY to sleep. I'm doubtful though lol.

Failure.

I feel like a complete utterly ugly failure, failed failed failed today. Thanks to the unhealthy foods in my house and the abundance amount of halloween candy its hard to stick to my liquid diet. I feel nasty right now, I purged pretty much everything I ate today or tried to but I know those little tiny candy bars, and dinner I still didn't get everything all out.

Now I'm exhausted, feeling weak, shaky, and like a complete ugly bastard. I didn't work out today, I smoked my last cigarette and now I'm reading a bunch of ana blogs and making myself feel worse. While I'm reading all these girls doing so well I'm indulging in peanut butter and fluff sandwiches. What am I doing to myself. I guess I asked this on myself. I told my mom I was craving a fluff sandwich. I didn't think she would really buy it, but she did. Thank god it's all gone now but I felt terrible eating it. Especially since I have my date sunday. Blahhhh.

I feel really weird right now. I just smoked a cigarette and I feel sick, like my head isn't connected to my body. I'm not diggin' this feeling right now. I think I'm just gonna try to sleep, maybe that's my problem. I just need to get a good night sleep and refresh my mind and get a good workout in the morning.

I had some crazy dreams last night. I had a dream about Sebo, he had died and while I was at his funeral I was still able to talk to him some how. I cant really remember how, whether it was in my head or threw a text message but I remember that I could still talk to him like I was the only one. Maybe its the fact that we've been talking almost every night but not actually being able to see him? I'm really confused about it. I know I had a dream about Conner too but I don't remember that dream at alll. Hopefully I don't have crazy dreams like that tonight they kinda put me in a disctint mood. I just don't know, but tomorrow I'm gonna try to do good. Eat healthy and drink lots of water. Now that their aren't as much bad foods I think I'll do better the next couple days but its gonna be a challenge with my period coming up and not have cigarettes until the weekend. Hopefully reading some blogs will help me become stronger. Goodnight ladies.