Okay well I've been pretty busy the last couple days so I have failed to write but I need to just rant and hopefully clear my mind a little bit. The weekend was pretty good, my best friend is amazing! She threw me a birthday party saturday, I got pretty wasted so that was a success but of course Conner HAD to fucking show his face at my party. And he had to have D with him, like really WHY do you have to ruin me on my own birthday.....a party that was thrown for ME. And neither one of them had the decince to tell me happy birthday. I know why he couldn't tell me and I kinda blocked it until my best friend told me she talked to him and told me the reason why he wouldnt talk to me. I always knew why but when she told me it made it real and I began to cry my eyes out. Douche bag. Other than that I went on a double date with KB(best friend) and two adorable cute guys. I really am interested in the guy I was with but Im not to sure on how interested he is with me. I think my doubting on this guy liking me is only making me think more of Conner. IM DRIVING MYSELF FUCKING INSANE.
Im hating this feeling, its like he haunts me 24/7 and no matter how hard I try I cant stop thinking about him. It's like when I dont see him I dont think about him as much but even a couple hours of avoiding eachother as much as possible for one night kills me for months afterward. Like a never ending hell. I stay up litterally all night and day thinking about him. I toss and turns in my bed at night trying not to think about him but thats all I can do, then I never sleep and my body gets exhausted. Like last night, laid in bed till about 430 thinking about him. I woke up early this morning and thought about him all day, came home and I was extremely tired to where my legs were killing me with aches so I took a nap and I thought it woulda been amazing because I knew how tired I was and what happens I fucking dream about him like I did last night. Like seriously wth. No wonder why I was so addicted to zanies when we were done. I couldnt deal with the pain, at least the zanies took the pain away and made me forget everything even if it was just for a day. I dont want to have to depend on drugs again but I seriously cant handle this anymore. Its litterally killing me. My mind is my own worst enemy.
On to other things Im pretty sure I've gained back all the weight I lost, thanks to eating food. But Im back on track this week. I plan on getting extremely high tomorrow but I willl kill my munchies with good thoughts. I did pretty good today, had 2 eggs this morning a salad for lunch, stir fry for dinner but I threw that up soo I think I'lll be good. I wish I could sleep but Im afraid to fall asleep because of my haunting dreams, so Im gonna kill myself with more deprived sleep and watch some family guy and watch dazed and confused and hopefully pass out somewhere between there.
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