Well today was an okay day, spent the whole day with grandma. Ate a sandwich for lunch purged that up, drink soda freaked out about the calories. I know my purging is getting bad, I feel the need to eat everyday but I freak out on the calories so I puke it up. Like dinner, we went out to eat I had 4 slices of a chicken quesadilla, drank diet soda, i didn't want to throw up at the restaurant so I decided to wait till I got home, but I was freaking out the whole way home. It was a constant thought, thinking could these fuckers in front of me drive any slower, how many calories is my stomach disgusting right now? The first chance I got, I got ride of it all. That's alll I had today though beside endless amounts of diet coke.

I didn't get the chance to check my weight this morning when I woke up, thanks to my nagging and hurried mother but in the middle of the day I weighed myself at my grandma's. I stepped on the scale and it said 137 I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. There is no way I gained 4 pounds in one and a half days. NO WAY, I'm not excepting it. I think her scale is off or something...that has to be it. I don't feel like I've gained weight and I don't feel like I've lost anything. I praying in the morning that I see 133 or lower on the scale.

Sebo has been kinda distant this week. I know he's been really busy this week, but he's too busy sometimes. I don't know if I should try to pursue a relationship with him or not. Given he has a girlfriend, but that and I want someone who is gonna give me attention and it's not that I don't think he would, I know he would but with how busy he always is..is that gonna be enough attention that I need right now. Not only that but not being able to see him at times that might consume as long as months. I'm willing to risk it and try, then again I don't know if he would ever give me another try. I think he'll be a healthy relationship for me, he was before and as much as drunk ass proved that I want him. I got drunk the other night and told him I wanted to fuck him then told him I was sorry right after that. The next night he said it was alright and that it made him laugh.

 I've been in the whole "single" mood today. Not understanding why I should pursue a relationship. Tomorrow it'll be the opposite I'll be all sappy, lovey, miserable, and alone. Going to this party tomorrow isn't gonna help me any. My best friend want to go to a party one of our friends is having, BIG downside Conner and D will be there and I know their status is back on official so that's gonna be JUST GREAT. I don't even want to go but I do? I'm annoyed with myself right now. I've gotten 2 hours of sleep in the past 20 hours and I'm not even tired(thanks to the 15 minute nap) I had earlier.