Lastdayofdayear

Well this year has been something else hasnt it. I've experienced a lot through these past 12 months. I was so unhappy starting this year out but I'm ending it in the best way......HAPPY. I've been so happy the past few days so positive and inspiring and it's al thanks to people. Everyone is telling me I look so much better, and that I look healthy and happy. It only inspires me more. My counselor actually taught me how to look at someone in the eyes and you can tell if there hurting or sad. She said before when I came in she saw sadness in my eyes, last night she said she was proud of me because she knows I'm doing so much better. I'm already starting the year off great, I have an interview at 4 today at the Hilton which I'm pretty stoked on. (Wish me luck) I'm getting to see my big sissy after for dinner then I'm off to daddies for the night and spending time with him all tomorrow. I also can get my license back in 2 weeks. LIFE IS GOOD. Hopes everyone has a good and safe New Years.

My life

.posthidden {display: none} is a caotic mess right now, but I'm trying not to fall apart. I'm trying to hold it together and be strong for I pray that it will get better. My heart goes out to you right now for the pain your enduring. I asked God to make you feel pain to be hurt but not that kind of pain. And on his birthday he did that. I didn't want you to be physical hurt but mentally by your heart. I wanted you to feel MY pain. The pain my heart has been put through, the kind of pain to where you can't breathe because you've lost the one you love, the kind of pain where your heart is beating so fast that it hurts and you feel like your having a heart attack so you feel like ripping it out. Honestly it litterally feels like you ripped my heart out. I wanted you to cry the kind of crying I go through to where it hurts so bad that you can't make a sound. To be short breathed and having panic attacks because your loved one left. Your heart cringing and break while you feel it slowly falling apart. I wanted you to feel the pain where your so in love that it makes you sick literally to where your crying so hard that you puke. I wanted you to feel the pain to where you can't stop shaking because I'm not wrapped up in your arms to make you feel safe. I wanted you to feel the pain to where you learned to appreciate love and see that REAL love can be such a beautiful thing. I just wanted you to feel the pain that you put me through. I asked God to make you feel pain, but not this kind of pain....

Now your going to screw me over, you've already taken the love I loved the most. Now your going to take this love and throw it in the trash. Your going to take our bed where all our wonderful memories we made and go make fake new ones with this new girl. All those nights we spent in our bed cuddled up sleeping naked, all the nights of wonderful sex and love making. Just thrown away to dissapear. Forever. I asked God to make your realize that love is wonderful and I wanted you to be real about it, not fake it. I can't tell if you were real about it or not. You told me you really did love me and when I started to see you actaully show emotion over hurting you I believed you. But all the lies you told me turn my head into not believing it was real. Maybe it's because it was so real to me that I want to make myself believe its real. So take our bed, take your couches and tv's and dishes take every damn thing away from me but don't take my love and pretend that it never happened. You've stolen my heart stomped on it broke it into a million pieces but it still has a dying passion of love for you. I would have died for you. In a way I have died a little now that your gone.

Your going to throw away OUR REAL LOVE and tosh it in the trash.....and just give up and for that I hate you. Your a coward to your own heart for turning away from real true love.


There are so many things I regret doing to you, not being there for you, hiting you, arguing with you screwing up your head and all those drunk nights I put you through but you helped me. You picked me up when I was down, you fixed all my childhood demons. You put love in me and all I gave you was hate. But I was tired, drained, exhausted with all the stuff on my shoulders. I thought if I worked hard now that eventually our lives would get better, we'd have more money where I could support us, support our family. But I guess working to hard made me bitter and now I won't get to experience my wonderful little family I thought we could have had. I wanted to learn with you, grow with you and become not just me and you but an us forever. Where 2 people join hand and hand to become one. I wanted that ring on my finger so I could forever beclaimed yours. I pushed you a little hard for that. I'm sorry. I thank you for everything you have given me. I don't drink anymore. I've actually learned to stop smoking nasty ass cigarettes, and my heart is learning to enjoy the little things and talk to God for help and guidance . I've been working out to make my body better, learning to train my brain that I need to eat and eating clean. I've lost about 15 pounds and at first I wasn't doing it the healthy way but I'm trying to be better about that. And it's all thanks to you. You told me that in order to be happy in a relationship I have to be first be happy with myself and I think I've reached that goal. I'm a good person with a big heart and I have so much to give. I just wish you'd come back so I could give it to you. If only I had one wish I wouldn't wish for a big house or to be fifthy rich or any of the materilstic things I would wish to have you back in my arms forever and ever. Then I could honestly say I was the happiest girl in the world.

I will pray for you...pray that you make a fast recovery and that you will get better. And that you realized how true my love was for you even as messed up as it was it was the realest love. Maybe one day very soon you will come back....maybe im giving my heart false hope. But if it was real for you wouldn't have left, or you would want to come back and try again right?

Life gives us lessons so we become wiser I've learned my lessons recently and I've became a better person in the end. I hope that the pain your going through gives you a lesson. Yes your very attractive and you have a good personality but that shouldn't be all in a person for we have scars some are visible some are hidden in our souls. But your looks don't make you, everyday you wake up you'll have to look at yourself in the mirror and I hope its with sincere eyes, a clear mind and a good heart. And remember the love that we had and take that love and build it into something more. Take those battle wounds and scars and make them beautiful because thats what makes you...you.

Its like.....

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I'm happy again, I'm enjoying life again without you. But I don't want to live without you. If we could just fix us I know we could be happy again. I know I could be so much more happier if you'd just come home.

.posthidden {display: none} Christmas just isn't the same without you. I had a blast last night with my family, that right there was the greatest gift I could have received....but not being with you made me kind of a scrooge today. I faked a smile the whole time. I was happy to be around my family but I know to have you by my side would have truly made me the happiest. I wouldn't want anything else in the world.....if that was my perfect world. But it's not my world and I don't get to have you for Christmas. I'm sitting in our house now alone on Christmas night sulking away in my sorrow, tonight I dreamed of watching movies all night long sharing each others joy in gifts sipping hot chocolate but your  off with your new life your new girlfriend and I'm left here like a piece of trash. I even tried to be sincere and tell you Merry Christmas and you couldn't shoot one single text back telling me the same. Heartless bastard.And I'm done crying....

Christmas Eve

.posthidden {display: none}I woke up this morning kind of in a haze, I find that I really can't sleep in anymore. I don't have to be at work till 2 but for some reason my body likes waking up around 9:30. I tried wrapping some more Christmas presents but I ran out of tape. Just my luck, I can't eat, can't sleep, I want to clean but today I just don't see the point I'm in such a groggy mood. So I decided to burn some energy and go to the gym and of course your there. My heart dropped whenever I saw you, my stomach started turning, and I couldn't help but look and see if you were looking at me too. but you weren't...of course you wouldn't you don't care. Whenever you left I thought maybe he's going to the house, maybe he's gonna break in and tell me that you want to come back. But of course you didn't. I came home and no one was here just an empty house and now I can't stop crying. For some reason I keep building some sort of hope that you might actually come back, that you realize that you do care and that you just fucked up. But you won't. Your too stuck in your own head to realize how great of a girl I really am. Every time my phone rings or I get a text message I kind of hope it'll be from you. But it won't be. I don't know why I'm tearing my self up today. I've been so positive the past few days. Maybe it's the holidays I couldn't wait to spend Christmas with you. Our first Christmas together. I couldn't wait for you to be my first valentine but that'll never happen. I hate this feeling. I wanted to share everything with you, I could imagine giving birth to our first child and you being there holding my hand all the way through it.....but that'll never happen. You want to marry and have children with her remember. WHATEVER. Fuck this. I'm gonna enjoy today, finish my Christmas shopping go spend time with my family. And enjoy seeing some of my old high school friends. I just wish you would show that you cared, but then again I don't because then it would be harder to forget about you.....I'm screwed.

Weird day.

What a day today was. This morning I was in a slump mood after that dream but the day went good. My boss of course calls me and asks me to work on one of the only days I can sleep in...but of course me being the nice person that I am I went to work. While I was at work I got insanely good tips and get this my first boyfriend Conner apologized for everything he did. This was his exact message

"Hey celina I'm sure you don't care, anymore but I'm sorry for being a dick head to u, just felt like I should apologize for being a complete douche towards you." it seriously made my day. 2 years later but its better than never. The difference between my relationship with him and Chris is although Conner lied and cheated on me I knew that he ACTUALLY cared about me. Yes it was a high school relationship love story yes we hurt each other but with Chris right now it's hard to convince myself that he is. Conner was a real person, he would tell me what I needed to hear instead. whether it was nice or not. Chris on the other hand I so badly dont wanna call him fake but I can't convince myself that he's not. I want to believe that he actually cared but I cant. I want to so badly believe that he actually loved me but I cant. Him telling his new girlfriend that he loves her proves that his love for me was a lie. Him telling her that he wants a kid with her and calls her mrs. padgett made me realize that everything he said to me was a lie a script, his lines that he uses on every girl he's with. He thinks it's because he treats girls the best but no it's not the best when its all lies. I wish I wouldn't have been so blind to all of this. I wish I would have reconsidered moving in with him. I still would make the same choices because I did love him I just wish I could convince myself that he actually loved me, but then again it wouldn't be so easy letting him go. I guess this is how loves goes. Anyways I've been up all night watch vampire diaries and it's about time to fall asleep by myself :/ I hate sleeping alone.

Here comes the dreams.

Damn my brain I've been doing so good on my own and then I have the most amazing dream of us to set me back. It was so beautiful I awoken in mid sleep at 4 am. He came back and everything was grand I felt the love and connection in my dream but to wake up and have reality hit me like a ton of bricks this because I woke up to a lonely cold house. Kinda hard not to get depressed. I looked at his Facebook today to see all these happy pictures of him and his girlfriend. it hurts but he seems happy but again it could be a lie. I don't know what to think just trying to be positive Polly here. It's time to go pray. Hopes everyone has a good day!

Lessons.

I've been meaning to write on here for a while now. I've been dealing with a shit ton of BULLSHIT this past month and I miss my blog...I tend to forget how venting eases my soul.....where do I even start? My life has been terrible, yet great at the same time. My boyfriend of 6 months, well let's just say we broke up. I found out that he's been with some other girl the whole time or quite a few of them I should say... We've had a lot of problems because we both tend to lie about everything....the only difference I was ready to stop. He wasn't. He completely broke me and left me in the dark to die. But I realized the good guy I thought I had wasn't the great. He lied about everything to me. He never cared, he used me and destroyed my confidence. Now that I'm returning back to my old self I can't help but thank him because I am becoming happy again but in a different way. I don't feel the need to drink and get wasted every night because I'm lonely hurt or sad. I've turned to God and he's to blame. I've been working out for at least 3 hours everyday slowly returning my body back to its normal stage. I gained almost 30 pounds being with him....I never actually saw how fat I was until I looked at some of recent pictures. I don't know why I let myself get that big. Maybe because I was happy most of the time he was around? Maybe I was miserable being with him? Nah I wouldn't say I was miserable I definitely loved this boy, I would have done anything and everything I possible could for him but yet again just like Conner he screwed me over. I gave my everything and when I made him leave at first I had nothing I sat around my house for a week and sulked. I recently found out that he cheated on his new girlfriend(with me) that he supposedly "loves" and wants to have a kid with.....Him doing what he did the other night made me realize that everything he is....everything he said was fake and maybe that is why it is so easy to get over him. Maybe it is because I've always been a strong independent women and I let some little boy play with my head, maybe it's because each day I get skinnier, I get more toned and everyday I fall back in love with myself. I've always realized that I've had problems but I've had the greatest people in life to fall unto to help me get threw situations....and I feel kinda bad because I don't think he has anyone like that. I don't think he actually lets people go inside his head but to be sane you have to let people in otherwise you never truly will be happy. I've learned that life goes on, whether certain people want to be in it or not..but whether they do or not I will be happy again. I'm taking this bad situation and turning it into a good one. Him leaving had opened my mind and cleared it. I couldn't see what was happening right in front of me but I can now understand it because he left. I think him doing that is the best thing either one of us could do. Yes I get sad because I miss him but I'm being grateful for the time we had because even if it wasn't real to him it was real to me. I guess I'm just growing up, I'm becoming wiser and I'm learning and thanking God every step of the way. I've been praying everyday because life could be much worse. I spent the night with my dad and step mom last night and I seriously had the best time. My dad is going through some of the same things I'm going through. He's having to let go and learn the life changes but we just have to roll with the punches and take it for what it is. Because really we have it made. Learning to change the eneviable will only screw with your head so just take it like it is and be grateful. God is putting me through this because he knows I can only become a greater person in the out come and he knows I can and will get through this and I trust him. Anyways I'm ready for Christmas for me it means good time with family and catching up with old friends and I can't wait. Much love- Celina

Heart broken and fat

Well my life has came crashing down. My bf of 6 months dumped me and I'm fat how more can my life go wrong. Guess its time to loose some weight only good thing about getting your heart broken