You stupid little boy.

"A heart is not a play thing, a heart is not a toy, but if you want it broken, Just give it to a boy. Boys they like to play with things to see what makes them run, But when it comes to kissing, They do it just for fun. Boys never give their hearts away, They play us girls for fools, They wait untill we give our hearts, And then they play it cool. You will wonder where he is a night, You will wonder if hes true, One moment you will be happy, One moment you will be blue. If you get a chance to see him, Your heart begins to dance, Your life revolves around him, Theres nothing like romance. And then it starts to happen, You worry day and night, You see, my friend, you're losing him it never turns out right. Boys are great, though immature, The price you pay is high, He may seem sweet and gorgeous but remember, hes a guy. Don't fall in love with just a boy, That takes alot of nerve. You see, my friend, you need a man, To get what you deserve. So when you think that you're in love, Be careful if you can, Before you give your heart away make sure that hes a man."

I'm such a fool, I'll explain later gotta work out and do some homework then I'll explain how messed up my life is. Trust me it gets juicy.

Wow what a night

<p>So your girlfriend calls me twice today the second time she's crying over you and I'm trying to be a good person and be here as a girl friend because I know what your going through but she just left my house at 230 in the morning and I know why and it's because she's going to get you. Your gonna talk things out and fall back into his arms just like I always did. your falling for all his lies just like I did and I feel sorry for the pain your going to be going through in the future because I did exactly the same. Bryan told me not to trust you and I understand why now but I understand your a girl with feelings and you think he wants you and right now he does but you have to remember that's only right now everything he tells you is the same things he told me. All his scripts to every girl and if you wanna fall for them all then go ahead that's now your problem not mine. I can't take this anymore I can't be around you or talk to you because really it's only breaking my heart even more and I need to salvage myself before I can think about helping you. I don't know what to

do

Damn brain.

I can see that my body is getting more toned, but trying to convince myself that I'm losing fat when my scale doesn't budge is kind of depressing. I need to throw away my scale but I've always been attached to it. I just need to learn that the scale is just a number. Anyways daddies coming in town later so we can make some French onion soup and watch movies all night. My cheat meal is the soup. I also need too train my body to eat more. 2 meals or a snack a day isn't gonna cut fat. I'm just never hungry in the morning. I'm gonna start doing 30 minutes of cardio in the mornings and 20 at night and lifting. another thing I need too train my body too do is go to sleep earlier. I stay up to late at night and lately have been sleeping in later this week. I missing when I automatically woke up at 930. I'm so focused on school and working out right now. I've already picked a school down in west palm now it's gonna be the part in getting excepted. Hopefully soon so by August I'll be ready to move and start school and be surrounded by beach health nuts and my big brudder. That's my plan.

Fuck you

How dare you show her my blog, I wanted you to read it to show that I was sorry and I've changed instead you tell your girlfriend like my feelings are a joke. Go screw yourself. It's funny that she's tells me that you buy all this stuff for her and get her cards but you couldn't do that for me anymore, you can cook her dinner and clean her house but you couldn't do any of that for me. You couldn't appreciate what I did for you while you stayed your ass on a couch for 4 fucking months. You barely know this girl and you do all this for her and treat her like that but you treat me like I was shit. Glad to know I meant so much to you. Fuck all of this I'm so livid and hurt.
And no my blog isn't about you. It is about my life and my way of venting but since you think it's all about you you can remove yourself from my life. It's times like this that I wish I never would have met you. I won't beg for you back because I'm happy with where I'm at and that means your not around to make me miserable. I've come to the conclusion that you didn't love me because you wouldn't have done the things you've done to hurt me so now it's time to focus on me and my goals and move the fuck on.

Oh my life

has gotten so weird. I think I'm getting sick, i literally slept all day. Did nothing, around 9 I made myself go to the gym ended up staying there till 130. I've became quit the gym rat. I'm so thankful that its right across the street. This gym is saving me ALOT. That's mainly the reason why I don't want to move. I love it being so close. I've been thinking a lot about my life lately. I usually always have a plan, I have to plan out my life if I don't I never know what the next step for me is. I recently changed my plans slightly. I should say adding on. I've highly been considering on becoming a personal trainer until I finish school. I can make ok money and have somewhat of a good job. Plus my classes this semester pretty much deal with the body. I can be certified in like 2 months and I love working out and helping people so I'm thinking why not. When I was with Chris I forgot how much I loved working out. And I don't understand why I disliked it when I was with him. I've always worked out. In high school I was a cheerleader played softball and weightlifting after I always kept the habit. It makes me feel better about myself, about my life. I cant figure out why I stopped when I was with him, he works out everyday shouldn't I have wanted to too? I'm kind of nervous to ask him if I can borrow his book. I don't know why either, I guess I just don't want him to think that I'm trying to steal his mojo that I'm doing it to get back at him or something.

My life has turned into weirdness. Not really but I'm shocked at some of the people. Like Conner him apologizing and then catching up never thought that would have happened but last night my best friend in high school pretty much pronounced that he's been in love with me since we first met........WHAT?!? This is the boy I would run to for everything in high school, he was like my brother whenever I needed help or was crying over Conner he was the person I would run to. I basically had my own bed at his house. We shared all our secrets together but this is one secret he never told me. He has such a good heart but he doesn't always do the right things. He lives with his girlfriend and they have a 6 month old baby together and he waits till now to tell me. He told me that for the last 6 months he's been trying to get a hold of me. But of course I didn't have the same number and no facebook so I went kind of mia he also doesn't have a facebook. I never realized that he cared about me like that, I'm used to all my guy friends liking me they usually do but they never take it to the next level because they know that our friendship will end. With him though its different like I love him to death but I don't think I could love him like that. He's already telling me that he loves me but that is because he's always loved me. Last night I told him that I'm not the same girl back in high school, I'm not going out, not doing drugs or drinking I'm so focused on getting my life good, trying to get a good job, working out everyday because I will be doing a show at the end of this year. I want to be on that stage again I did it in modeling and cheerleading competitions and I love that atmosphere. But like I told him I'm different. I have different goals now and I don't think he'll fit in that picture. His response to that was "Celina truthfully if you still have the same beautiful smile, the same sexy seductive eyes, and the same laugh that I fell in love with I don't think any changes big or small could change the feelings I have for you. (and that sexy little moan/giggle wouldn't hurt either) I don't think something that came to grow over 3 years could be effected by a few changes." Like how can you not fall for someone like that. He's not the typical juice head boy that I like. He's a skater boy with long hair so he really doesn't fit my liking and I don't know if he still does drugs if so we definitely wont ever be together. He's still a very good person and its hard not to like him I now know that he is head over heels in love with me. I know that he would do everything and anything just to make me happy. He's going to school to be a doctor so I really wouldn't have much to worry about in life if anything did happen between us. There's something holding me back though.....and honestly its because I can't let go of you. He's in love with me and I'm in love with you. I can't seem to get it through my head that you aren't coming back. I guess its just hope that you will come back....and its ridiculous that I'm doing this to myself you already told me that you weren't coming back, that we won't ever get back together but I don't believe you. I believe that one day we will and if that is a possibility I won't be with Jeremy. I would choose you over him and I couldn't be stuck in that situation of possibly hurting him. Also I always told myself that I would not date anyone with a kid and he has one so I don't know how I would handle that. You though fit my liking, we both want to live the same life but you lie and mistreat me. He doesn't but would never do anything to hurt me. I'm so confused by it all. I want you but you don't want me. Not right now anyways, I know in the future your gonna wish you wouldn't have let me go everyone that is around me always falls in love with me and that's because I'm a good hearted person. These people are usually the ones that screw me over and then regret it in the end. I don't want you to regret it, I want you to realize what you had before its too late and I'm gone then you can't ever have me again, just watch me be happy with out you but I don't want that to happen. I want you to be the reason that I'm happy. My mom showed me this quote and she's right your gonna hate yourself for doing this.

What the hellll

I have no idea why but my computer stopped working this morning. I was just on it last night and it was working perfectly now it acts like it has no life. When I tried to turn it on the lights didn't even come on. I need it right now to vent. At least I still have my tablet but its annoying to type on. Anyways I haven't been able to sleep this morning I just kept tossing and turning. I've been thinking about us a lot lately. Where did everything go so wrong? I know things started changing in October and things only got worse in November and I was trying to think why you got so turned off by me. I think it was because I wasn't happy with alot of things myself. I wasn't attracted to myself so why would you be attracted to me. This is the reason you didn't tr(eat) me right. Things had to change but neither one of us was willing to. You became distant and I could feel it. I think that's why I became the controlling one. I could feel you slipping through my fingers and I was scared to loose you. I developed some of your controlling habits which of course only caused more problems in our relationship. I can say I'm happy now but I can't say that I still don't want you. I love you, of course I want to be with you. I liked that you were some what controlling, I think a man should be over his women but somethings I hated. I think another reason that I can't let go is because you changed me. Before my life was out of control, I went out way to much did way to many drugs and drank everyday and because of you I have control over myself. Since you left I've drank a few times but not like the drinking I was used to. Before I would get wasted out of my mind now its not liquor or wine just a few beers with daddy or like on Christmas I had a few drinks with my family. I don't go out to bars or clubs and I don't get fucked up with friends. I thought I would smoke but I haven't. I've changed for the better and its because you showed me me how and you showed me that being sober isn't horrible at all. Its actually really great.

I know I rebel when someone tells me I cant do something and I think I rebelled against you and I don't really know why.You were helping me become a better person. I don't think theres a problem with me having a few beers every once in a blue moon and I understand I couldn't control myself before but now I can and it feels good to say that. I had a drinking problem but you have a serious steroid problem. One thing I regret is allowing you to take them. They've messed with your head so much that you don't even realize it or your to stubborn to see it. They've made you into a horrible person your doing a lot of mean things to a lot of people. That's why God aloud the thing that have happened to you recently. Your hurting your own blood and you don't even care. Your grandma called me the other night I think she had a few drinks lol but she called me and told me everything that was happening and she started crying. I felt so bad I wish I could have given her a hug through the phone.She also told me that you called her a whore. How could you do that to someone who does so much for you. she always gave you money when you needed it always made sure you had somewhere to live and bought you food. How could you disrespect someone who only tried to help you. You don't care about anyone but yourself. You need to talk to God a repair some of your sins, and become a better person because your not happy. I saw a recent picture of you at the gym with your friend and you looked so sad, your eyes look tired and sad. And that's the thing your so worried about whats gonna make you happy and how can you use this person that you wont ever be happy in life. You'll get to your dreams but when you get there you'll realize how dissatisfied you are because you'll only have one person there and that's your momma(when in reality she won't be there in person) but she wont be at your shows not every single one of them like I would have. She wouldn't make and prepare your meals like I would for you. She wouldn't do as much as I would for you. I would have been there for you every step of the way.Your pushing people out of your life the ones who support you and you keep stepping on people like you are then your gonna reach the top to realize it's a lonely and cold unless you having loving people in your life. And I'm not talking about fake love I'm talking about real fucking love because when you surround yourself with people who LOVE you, you automatically become happy.I want to make you happy make you good again like you have made me good. I want you to be full of love and share that love with people in this world who need it. That's what I do I take the love my friends and family give me and return it to strangers. I love helping people to see their faces light up to see a smile on their face. The other day I did something quirky I was with my dad the other day and there was a little girl at walmart who wanted a toy but I over heard her mom say that she didnt have enough money to buy it. So I grabbed the toy ran to the cash register and found them walking to their car in the parking lot when I went up to them and I gave the little girl a toy she smiled so big so beautiful and the mother and daughter gave me a hug I don't remember their names and I will probbly never see them ever again in my life but to know I made that little girls day made me so happy. I enjoy making people happy. And that's one of the reasons I fell in love with you. I saw that you cared about other people that you wanted to help them but these drugs are turning you into a monster. They're taking all the good out of you because that's what a drug does to someone. Drugs make people selffish. I want you to be good again be good with me. Be a good couple who helps people where everyone looks up to them because that are such good people. A good power couple I wanted to do shows together and win with each other. Now I'll just have to do it on my own. And you'll have to watch me and think why did I hurt her like I did because when you see me up on that stage somewhere you gonna realize that you let go of a girl who loved you with all her heart would have done everything and anything for you and a girl that is happy without you. And you.....you gonna be sad with your steriods pumping through your veins fake loving the next girl that comes along. All I can do is feel sad for you and want to help you become a good person.

Oh and another thing girls who "pretend" their pregnant just to make a guy stay really erk my nerves. I've known so many girls who do this. And for you I know she's lying 1. she already took a test and its was negative 2. You dont get symptoms of pregnancy until a month later and she starts "feeling sick" after a week 3. She told me the other day that she hasn't had a period in 2 months so if she is pregnant it is impossible for it to be your baby unless you cheated on me. I think one day we will get back together in the future. I can kind of feel it or maybe its just me hoping for nothing. But I really hope you don't get her pregnant, I know she said she isn't on birth control which is really dumb to me. She obivously has a good record of having babies so I know she wouldn't be afraid to trap you into pregnancy. Plus I want you to give me a baby later in life and if she gets pregnant I dont think I could be with you anymore. Plus you'll be raising more than just one kid......If even the kid would even be yours. I hope you don't fall into her trap. I know what kind of girl she is and she is fake nice but deep down shes not a good person.

Stressed is an understatement.

.posthidden {display:none}I'm so sick of this feeling. The feeling of what your going to do. You say one thing but you never did anything when we were together why should I believe that your gonna do it this time. I already figured you weren't gonna spay rent this  month screwing me over SURPRISED? Not the slightest....your gf coming into my work yesterday already confirmed that you didn't plan on paying the rent or me back. You're so selfish. And full of greed, your only with this girl because she bought you a bunch of clothes and you didn't expect paying any of her bills. It kinda just hit me now though that i've spent all my money on clothes trying to make me in better moods that I wont be able to afford both of our rents this month. I thought everything would be okay because I get my loan for school but I wont actually get any money until Feb 1st so until then ill have to manage I guess. That'll mean another month without a license probably or at least until the end of January. I can hopefully borrow money from my grandma to pay for it now but I'll pay her back as soon as I can. Plus all the money I owe my counselor and then to reinstate my license. Its gonna be a  lot of work and Ill have to put somethings on hold but I'll manage through.

I was talking to one of my boss's earlier today and it was kind of cool because she asked me for some advice. She's going through the same situation that I'm going through right now. She's to that point where she is considering moving anywhere away from this town. For a couple of weeks I had my mind set on moving I couldn't stay in Gainesville knowing you were here. But I told her that fades away. It was kind of a lie (I was just trying to make her feel better). I still think about moving all the time now. Just to get away from this town so I wouldn't have to think about you at all. But like my mother PREACHED to me running away doesn't solve anything and moving will only make my schooling more complicated might as well finish another year and a half of school then when I get my degree move to Fort laudie or West Palm then. Which makes sense. I really dislike Gainesville, it's filled with a bunch of molly head college fuck ups and I don't want to be considered in the category. Actually I won't I just wish more people were like that. Another thing she asked me is if I ever listen to a song and actually listen to the lyrics and that wow I totally understand now. I honestly just laughed really loud because that's my everyday things now. All I do is listen to music and every song has a lyric about you our my love. Just a few for starters.....What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you, What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that your ok. I'm falling to pieces. I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing. I'm wide awake while he had no trouble sleeping, Cause when a heart breaks it don't break even........I'd give up forever to touch you cause I know that you'll feel me somehow. Your the closest to heaven that ill ever be and i dont want to go home right now. And all I can taste is the moment and all I can breathe is your life. And I dont want the world to see me cause I dont think that they'll understand when every things made to be broken I just want you to know who I am." There's so many many more. One that I listen to everyday lately has been http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cw5SvvSL2rQ things like this make me miss you dearly. Well I'm feeling ana coming back which scares me. I need someone to come over so I can cook for them. I miss cooking for you, I guess I'll try to eat something hope everyone has a goodnight.

Life is kind of funny isn't? Last year this time I was just moving in to Gainesville with my best friend experiencing new things. Now this year I'm by myself trying to put an impossible book self together lol. My new years wasn't anything to exciting....besides eating way to much food. I spent it with daddy who got overly protective. I couldn't help but be sad these past few days though. I had planned so much for us. I planned on going on a cruise together. Actually sold the tickets I bought for us. But yesterday I couldn't help but shed a few tears. Honestly I was sad and hurt. I guess I thought about all the fun we could have had on the cruise but life goes on right. Life goes on until you end up at your house alone then you think about everything. The past few nights I've been having weird dreams about you. Usually their sexually but I figured that was because I haven't had sex in almost a month and of course I'm attracted to you so I imagine you and your big forehead, your greenish blue eyes that I love so much, your laugh and sweet smile..sometimes it really sucks though....having you in my dreams then waking up to reality and not having you around it kinda messes with my head. I wish I could just forget everything. Sometimes I just wish you were real, a real person with a real heart. Someone who actually cares about people more than himself. Its weird  that your girlfriend always talks to me. Today she came into my work with her son and talked to me for about 15 min. I thought it was weird and all honestly I didn't want her there but I'm trying to be nice. I'm trying to be civil because if you want to be with her......if she really makes you happier then what i could have given you then I'm happy for you. Even though you have destroyed me and hurt me I only wish you the very best in life. I'm so tired right now I have to go to bed. have a good night my little anas