What the hellll

I have no idea why but my computer stopped working this morning. I was just on it last night and it was working perfectly now it acts like it has no life. When I tried to turn it on the lights didn't even come on. I need it right now to vent. At least I still have my tablet but its annoying to type on. Anyways I haven't been able to sleep this morning I just kept tossing and turning. I've been thinking about us a lot lately. Where did everything go so wrong? I know things started changing in October and things only got worse in November and I was trying to think why you got so turned off by me. I think it was because I wasn't happy with alot of things myself. I wasn't attracted to myself so why would you be attracted to me. This is the reason you didn't tr(eat) me right. Things had to change but neither one of us was willing to. You became distant and I could feel it. I think that's why I became the controlling one. I could feel you slipping through my fingers and I was scared to loose you. I developed some of your controlling habits which of course only caused more problems in our relationship. I can say I'm happy now but I can't say that I still don't want you. I love you, of course I want to be with you. I liked that you were some what controlling, I think a man should be over his women but somethings I hated. I think another reason that I can't let go is because you changed me. Before my life was out of control, I went out way to much did way to many drugs and drank everyday and because of you I have control over myself. Since you left I've drank a few times but not like the drinking I was used to. Before I would get wasted out of my mind now its not liquor or wine just a few beers with daddy or like on Christmas I had a few drinks with my family. I don't go out to bars or clubs and I don't get fucked up with friends. I thought I would smoke but I haven't. I've changed for the better and its because you showed me me how and you showed me that being sober isn't horrible at all. Its actually really great.

I know I rebel when someone tells me I cant do something and I think I rebelled against you and I don't really know why.You were helping me become a better person. I don't think theres a problem with me having a few beers every once in a blue moon and I understand I couldn't control myself before but now I can and it feels good to say that. I had a drinking problem but you have a serious steroid problem. One thing I regret is allowing you to take them. They've messed with your head so much that you don't even realize it or your to stubborn to see it. They've made you into a horrible person your doing a lot of mean things to a lot of people. That's why God aloud the thing that have happened to you recently. Your hurting your own blood and you don't even care. Your grandma called me the other night I think she had a few drinks lol but she called me and told me everything that was happening and she started crying. I felt so bad I wish I could have given her a hug through the phone.She also told me that you called her a whore. How could you do that to someone who does so much for you. she always gave you money when you needed it always made sure you had somewhere to live and bought you food. How could you disrespect someone who only tried to help you. You don't care about anyone but yourself. You need to talk to God a repair some of your sins, and become a better person because your not happy. I saw a recent picture of you at the gym with your friend and you looked so sad, your eyes look tired and sad. And that's the thing your so worried about whats gonna make you happy and how can you use this person that you wont ever be happy in life. You'll get to your dreams but when you get there you'll realize how dissatisfied you are because you'll only have one person there and that's your momma(when in reality she won't be there in person) but she wont be at your shows not every single one of them like I would have. She wouldn't make and prepare your meals like I would for you. She wouldn't do as much as I would for you. I would have been there for you every step of the way.Your pushing people out of your life the ones who support you and you keep stepping on people like you are then your gonna reach the top to realize it's a lonely and cold unless you having loving people in your life. And I'm not talking about fake love I'm talking about real fucking love because when you surround yourself with people who LOVE you, you automatically become happy.I want to make you happy make you good again like you have made me good. I want you to be full of love and share that love with people in this world who need it. That's what I do I take the love my friends and family give me and return it to strangers. I love helping people to see their faces light up to see a smile on their face. The other day I did something quirky I was with my dad the other day and there was a little girl at walmart who wanted a toy but I over heard her mom say that she didnt have enough money to buy it. So I grabbed the toy ran to the cash register and found them walking to their car in the parking lot when I went up to them and I gave the little girl a toy she smiled so big so beautiful and the mother and daughter gave me a hug I don't remember their names and I will probbly never see them ever again in my life but to know I made that little girls day made me so happy. I enjoy making people happy. And that's one of the reasons I fell in love with you. I saw that you cared about other people that you wanted to help them but these drugs are turning you into a monster. They're taking all the good out of you because that's what a drug does to someone. Drugs make people selffish. I want you to be good again be good with me. Be a good couple who helps people where everyone looks up to them because that are such good people. A good power couple I wanted to do shows together and win with each other. Now I'll just have to do it on my own. And you'll have to watch me and think why did I hurt her like I did because when you see me up on that stage somewhere you gonna realize that you let go of a girl who loved you with all her heart would have done everything and anything for you and a girl that is happy without you. And you.....you gonna be sad with your steriods pumping through your veins fake loving the next girl that comes along. All I can do is feel sad for you and want to help you become a good person.

Oh and another thing girls who "pretend" their pregnant just to make a guy stay really erk my nerves. I've known so many girls who do this. And for you I know she's lying 1. she already took a test and its was negative 2. You dont get symptoms of pregnancy until a month later and she starts "feeling sick" after a week 3. She told me the other day that she hasn't had a period in 2 months so if she is pregnant it is impossible for it to be your baby unless you cheated on me. I think one day we will get back together in the future. I can kind of feel it or maybe its just me hoping for nothing. But I really hope you don't get her pregnant, I know she said she isn't on birth control which is really dumb to me. She obivously has a good record of having babies so I know she wouldn't be afraid to trap you into pregnancy. Plus I want you to give me a baby later in life and if she gets pregnant I dont think I could be with you anymore. Plus you'll be raising more than just one kid......If even the kid would even be yours. I hope you don't fall into her trap. I know what kind of girl she is and she is fake nice but deep down shes not a good person.