Hiya

Well life has been passing me by quickly. I honestly can't believe that January is almost over. My life is honestly pretty good. I got another job this weekend, I was pretty stoked getting a job there because I know I can bank at this restuarant. Which is good because I'm going to be paying out the ass the next couple weeks for my dui shit. So now that's 2 jobs for me and going to school full time while actually having some kind of life. Actually I'm pretty happy I've met a couple boys up here, one spent the night last night :x Stilll haven't lost any weight but I've been thinking about joining a kickboxing class since it's litterally right across the street from where I live. I haven't gotten the money to do that right now though. Still dont know exactly what I weigh, but I'm going to eat right and see where that puts me when I can weigh myself next. But anyways this is going to be a short post I'm tired. 

I've missed you.

I feel like I've abandoned my blog lately. I just really have a lot going on right now, I've been going out with my friends every night.....drinking.....and molly's but this past weekend I had a blast. But I need to stay focused on school. I got a job it's not exactly what I want BUT like I told my best friend it's somewhere to start getting on my feet again. I can always find a waitressing job. I just have to be patient.

I feel upset and lonely though, oh and not to mention ugly. I seriously love my best friends right now but being in a house with them and going out I find myself to be the ugly dumpling. They both have guys, and always have guys chasing them and I feel fat and ugly. But honestly it's not like I weigh that much more than either one of them, my best friends pants are actually baggie on my but she distributes her weight so much better than my body does. She has a nice ass and decent legs but she has no back fat and a flat stomach where I'm the opposite I have no ass at all, and a terrible stomach and love handles, and back fat. I have to wear glasses and I have a wider body frame. I just hate it. It's not fair at all. This is why I need to loose the weight. It's so distracting living with 4 girls though. It's not like I've been eating horribly or binging at all but I've been lazy and not keeping track of my eating and not exercising. I'm kinda happy though I walked almost 4 miles to my job though. I ate pretty decent not the best but not the worst and walking hopefully helped. I hate not knowing how much a weigh though. I weigh myself everyday and now I can't. I don't think I've really gained or lost(judging by my pants)

I want to feel pretty again, so that means running more often, keeping up with my body and getting rid of my glasses. I have to have specially made contacts now thanks to a really bad eye infection I got a year ago and they cost a pretty penny so I haven't had the money to get them but I plan on getting them asap.

I need to get some sleep asap, got school pretty early but I plan on finishing my post after work tomorrow and catching up on every ones blogss until then goodnight :)

Oh geeze it feels like I haven't wrote in forever, so I'm just gonna have a quick update. Started college and as of right now I love it(key word right now lol) I like pretty much love all of my professors and I'm enjoying learning again which is pretty surprising coming from me. I was the girl who NEVER went to school. I hated high school and chose to skip class with my friends more than attend class. I don't know if it's just me missing the whole education and feeling like I'm doing something to my life feeling. Whatever feeling it is I'm soaking every ounce of enjoyment out of it. I'm already learning so much.

I haven't heard anything about my probation so I'm still quite worried on whether their going to call me in or not. They could or could not have a warrant out for my arrest I'm just praying to god still that I passed. I really don't want to ruin my schooling over this shit.

I'm staying with a friend right now until my financial aid finishes going threw so I can get on my own. One problem, she doesn't have a scale and I'm in my week before period binge. Today I did okay, didn't eat just 3 bites of my friends salad but we just ate diner and I had a pop tart but I'm about to go get rid of that. I just wish she had a scale so I can check. It's kinda getting on my nerves but school and being with friends is keeping my mind off of stressful things. Now my stress is finding a job, wish me luck on that lol. Hope every ones doing well, I'm off to watch teen mom, read a book and gooo catch some zzzz's

Dear lord, PLEASE help me. I'm begging

There is seriously no words to describe my mood right now, I feel like such a failure. And  it's not because of my weight surprisingly Im only 128 even with my binge this past weekend. I feel like a failure because I might be going to jail. Last august I got a dui thanks to my stupidity and got put in probation. Now again thanks to my stupidity I'm probly going back to jail. Everyday they call colors and Tuesday my color was called and I over slept and missed it so they told me to come in yesterday and the made me take a etg test which is to see if you've had an alcohol within the last 80 hours and of course I was drinking this past weekend which means IM FUCKED. Im pretty positive I'm going vop which I cannot handle right now. I dont want to start the new year off like this. I told myself it was going to be a good year. Get my head on straight, do good in school, move on my own, and get a job and pick my life up from where I fucked it up from my dui. It's like I was taking 5 steps forward and now I've taken 20 steps back.

I'm so ashamed of myself, I really just want to run away, I've thought of that possiblity actually that or killing myself. I'd rather die then spend a few months in jail. I'm praying to god that my test comes up negative but I'm highly doubting that. I'm swearing right now to never drink alcohol until I'm legal again. I'm only 19 I can't go to jail twice. That's what fuck ups do, and I swear I'm not a bad person. I dont drink everyday anymore, I don't smoke weed everyday anymore, I don't take pills everyday anymore. I really am trying to be a better person. Everytime something starts going good I end up fucking it up even worse. I really don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

I owe a ton of money to my probation, my money for school doesn't seem to want to go threw. I have to somehow pay for my books. But fuck I'm so worried about this test. I'm trying to better myself and focus on school but these little fuck ups are bringing me down. I'm so lost right now, so hopeless. I'm crying for a miracle that I'm pretty sure isn't going to happen. And even though I know I have the support of my family there's nothing they can do to help me threw this. I'm so screwed and I have no one to blame but myself. I feel like I've let myself down, I'm my biggest dissapointment :(

Fuck me.

Well I had a pretty good new year out at my dads. But I've been eating shitty like crazy though. When I escape from my house I don't think about food as much but when I'm at home it's the only thing I can think about. I've gotten so much more to write so I'll update after I go puke my brains out.