There is seriously no words to describe my mood right now, I feel like such a failure. And it's not because of my weight surprisingly Im only 128 even with my binge this past weekend. I feel like a failure because I might be going to jail. Last august I got a dui thanks to my stupidity and got put in probation. Now again thanks to my stupidity I'm probly going back to jail. Everyday they call colors and Tuesday my color was called and I over slept and missed it so they told me to come in yesterday and the made me take a etg test which is to see if you've had an alcohol within the last 80 hours and of course I was drinking this past weekend which means IM FUCKED. Im pretty positive I'm going vop which I cannot handle right now. I dont want to start the new year off like this. I told myself it was going to be a good year. Get my head on straight, do good in school, move on my own, and get a job and pick my life up from where I fucked it up from my dui. It's like I was taking 5 steps forward and now I've taken 20 steps back.
I'm so ashamed of myself, I really just want to run away, I've thought of that possiblity actually that or killing myself. I'd rather die then spend a few months in jail. I'm praying to god that my test comes up negative but I'm highly doubting that. I'm swearing right now to never drink alcohol until I'm legal again. I'm only 19 I can't go to jail twice. That's what fuck ups do, and I swear I'm not a bad person. I dont drink everyday anymore, I don't smoke weed everyday anymore, I don't take pills everyday anymore. I really am trying to be a better person. Everytime something starts going good I end up fucking it up even worse. I really don't even know what to do with myself anymore.
I owe a ton of money to my probation, my money for school doesn't seem to want to go threw. I have to somehow pay for my books. But fuck I'm so worried about this test. I'm trying to better myself and focus on school but these little fuck ups are bringing me down. I'm so lost right now, so hopeless. I'm crying for a miracle that I'm pretty sure isn't going to happen. And even though I know I have the support of my family there's nothing they can do to help me threw this. I'm so screwed and I have no one to blame but myself. I feel like I've let myself down, I'm my biggest dissapointment :(
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