Damaged.

Okay, so Im not good at this. I havent been keeping up with my blog as you can see, but I plan on changing this. I need to vent right now. I starting talking to this boy, he's absoultely gorgeous...I was very cautioned with him at first but the more I talked to him the more I grew fonder of him, he seemed like a real ginuwine guy....but now I'm thinking I've never been more played. Last night I spent the night at his house and it was amazing it made my feelings for him grow even more. I got along with him so well. I felt like I had been friends with him forever when in all honestly I barely knew him. I knew that he was built and worked out alot so I hestitated to see him because Im so disgusted with how fat I am right now....welll how I've been for a while. But I winged it because he said he really wanted to hang out, so I did. Now Im kind of regreting it entirely. The whole time he was holding and cuddling with me I felt so fat. I hated it but I loved being wrapped up in his arms..It felt easy and comfortable. We ended up having sex. and I have to say it was amazing, and he felt the same way or at least thats what he told me. I feel disgusted with myself for doing it but I wanted to so I did but now I dont know what to do. This morning he kissed my forehead held my hand and told me to text him when I woke up. He took me home pretty early for work so when I woke up around 130 I text him. I figured he was still sleeping which he probly was and he finally text me back around 6 and ever since he's been really short with me and acting none interested so I stopped texting him. But all tonight while he's been at work he's posting things about finding tanner women and the finer things. and I feel like my fatness completely ruined it. I feel like that was the reason he doesnt want me anymore. I dont know if its just my horomones or me just over analyzing shit like I normally do but I feel like he's just completely lost interested within one day. It sucks, I wanna just break down and cry. I already have a little but I've managed to control myself. I hate this feeling, I hate feeling like I've been played when I thought he was so different. I actually liked this guy and thats not something that happens to me often. So its a double whammy for me. THIS REALLY SUCKS! I dont know if I should keep trying or listen to my instints and just let it go but thats not what I want. I actually wanted to date this guy, I thought eventually we would. I dont think I was a complete turn off for him. He seemed really sweet and cool last night like he actually liked me, but I guess thats what players do. Im really just lost right now and I feel so low. I'm deffinately going to start being more focused on my weight. Its not that I dont watch it, its that Im so lazy anymore I never work out. Thats my problem but Im promising myself right now that Im not gonna be like that anymore. Im going to stop being lazy because no guys wants a fat girlfriend and Im positive thats what ruined my chances now. I want to be in a relationship so bad, I've been single for almost a year and a half now and I miss having someone to hold. I miss having someone there but I want someone true. Im sick of being used and played. I wont let this happen again because I wont be fat anymore. I wont I wont I wont. Im done. Im going to salvage whats left of me and try to get some sleep.